(((((Mrs. P)))))

Thank you for giving us an update, although I'm so sorry that you are hurting so badly. But you are not pathetic. The pain of termination in the middle of transference feels like having the surgeon leave in the middle of open-heart surgery. Then we get up off the table and try to find another surgeon to finish the job. Holding ourselves together in the meantime is extremely painful and messy (sorry if that's too graphic).

I know what you mean about that fifty-minute hour being way too short, not even scratching the surface, feeling shut down while there (almost like a stage fright), wishing later I would have brought up this or that. I'm especially worried for you being seriously depressed. I'm glad you were able to find the strength to post here. Would it be feasible for you to see your T twice or three times a week?

Your T said that your desires toward your ex-T both involved your giving up control and power. That interpretation seems to make sense...so then, does she say what to do about the desires? How to cope, how to grieve, how to heal so that we stop looking for the rescue, so we stop despairing that "ending things seems the only viable thing to do"?

You said it's been almost four weeks since you saw your T. Do you have another appointment scheduled with her soon? Have you told her how depressed you are?

I guess this was a lot of questions, I'm sorry if it's all overwhelming...I'm just really concerned for you and want you to get the help you need. It's so hard to reach out from depression because its very nature is to isolate. I'm glad you reached out here.

Hugs,
SG

Hi Mrs P, I just wanted you to know I am thinking of you and also that you are an inspiration to me. I will never forget the kindness and support you showed me when I first joined this forum and I hope you are feeling better soon.

Hi Halo, FOT and SG,

Thank you all sincerely for replying to me. It helped a lot to read such helpful advice and the care you have all shown.

FOT, thanks for your opinion on my transference feelings. The idea of the rollercoaster of emotions hits home a lot with me. Right now I am sitting in a corridor where he might walk by and I'm wondering why I couldn't find somewhere else to post. I thought I saw him earlier and felt nauseated. I do like my new T but today I was thinking about the things that she doesn't do as well as him and I worry I'm never going to make decent progress with her. Maybe it's because I haven't seen her in a month.

I agree that alternative types of stress relief might help but with my medication and how I'm feeling I'm fatigued and totally unmotivated. Last night I slept for a few hours in the evening and just wanted to stay in the dark.

Halo, I'm very flattered that you called me and inspiration but I think you're being overly complementary. I really really want to be able to post again properly too and help in anyway I can to those working through their issues. I'm sorry that I'm been so absent lately.

SG, your analogy is not to graphic in the slightest, in fact, not graphic enough! And it is nice to be able to speak to someone who understands because only for you and the amount of people going through transference on this forum I would feel even more alone and deluded, that my emotions are foolish and ridiculous.

I have asked my T to meet me more often but because of the centre I am getting the treatment from, my counsellor is only available for one session a week. I am going to see my T on thursday but I'm actually reluctant to go as it feels like so much of an effort for so little gain. I have been up and down with the depression over the past while and have mentioned my attempts at self-harm. This weekend was another downer and I was hitting the self distruct button with alcohol even though it makes me more depressed, I don't understand why I was doing it. I think I was hurting so badly I didn't care. I was thinking today how I almost resent the people around me as they are the reason that stops me from escaping this pain.

I feel like I have been telling my T everything up to now and that the amount of input she has been putting in is quite small. In that I know that I am looking for safety and comfort from someone older and stronger but I don't know what to do to convert those feelings to something I can do for myself. I even had a dream a week or two ago that stayed with me for 2 days. It was so vivid, a hug from a guy that was strong, comforting and the feeling of safety was so intense. I craved for it for days after.

I had to post today as quickly as I could so that I wouldn't get overwhelmed again. I have looked into going to a S.I. and suicide prevention centre but I really can't afford to miss work during the week (I realise how ridiculous that sounds in the grand scale of things but the idea of taking the time out without knowing how long it would take scares me) but I want to get more help. Really I want my ex-T as I feel he understands me. Then again, he missed my transference so maybe I'm idolising a bit too much.

I will try to update you more frequently and as soon as I'm feeling better I will try to post more.

Mre. P

OMG, SG. What an analogy. Several years ago, my P announced he had cancer and terminated treatment at the same time, and he sadly died a year later. It was hard to feel sorry for myself as sick as he was, but the shock and lack of closure was pretty devastating, considering the transference and the three year 'relationship'.

Ironically, I had open heart surgery a couple of years ago, and went to see a new T after that because it was rather disturbing. But I could certainy relate to your comparison! All too graphic!! But spot on.

Mrs. P -- I was intrigued by something you said and wondered if you would explain more....:

"I was thinking today how I almost resent the people around me as they are the reason that stops me from escaping this pain."

A month between visits. I don't know how you do that! That seems impossible and almost counterproductive. Sigh.

(((((((hugs)))))))

Hi all,

Texted my new T last night. She was unavailable for our visit last week as she had an accident and got a concussion. We were due to meet this Thursday instead and last night she said that her condition hadn't improved enough so it'll be at least another week. I can't wait that long. I have the prospect of bumping into my old T tomorrow if I was willing to try...I am going to try to contact another centre this evening and see if I can get an appointment. They allow for multiple visits throughout the week. However, they are for suicidal and self-harming people and I don't know how far along that path I am. Is thinking about these things constantly reason enough....I have attempted to self-harm a number of times...and am sleeping during most of my free time.

FS: I don't know if resent is the right word, it seems almost too strong. But it is really the only barrier I can see to escaping what I'm going through. I feel that responsibility too strongly to the people around me. I couldn't hurt them that way. Though ironically I feel so so weak for not self-harming more or to a greater extent....stupid I know.

Mrs. P

Mrs P,

I think you are totally entitled to go to the clinic - you are feeling suicidal, you are thinking about it, you have tried to self-harm. Yes, it's reason enough. I would be surprised if they felt differently, but even if they did, they could at least help to get you to someone who is right for you.

I'm so sorry to hear about your T's condition - I know how much you need someone to be there for you consistently right now.

Please get to the clinic and ask for help. I'm REALLY glad you feel that responsibility to others, even though you resent it. That is the love you have inside you protecting you, and you need to be protected right now. You don't deserve to be feeling like this.

I read this piece of writing yesterday and I thought of you. I didn't post it then because I felt a bit shy - like, I don't know if this helps at all, and some of it is not said exactly the way I would say it - but the basic feeling is how I feel, so I want to share it with you - I hope it's okay.
On Suicide.

Mrs Prufrock - I'm grateful that you stay alive.

Jones

hey Mrs P, how are you going? where are you at?

Thinking of you.

Jones

Mrs P I am thinking of you too and sending you the biggest hugs ever!!!!

Hi everyone. Apologies for being so slow to update and thanks for your kind wishes.

I contacted the specialist centre that deal with people with suicidal feelings etc. on Wednesday and despite they saying they'd get back to me, I've had no reply since. I'm a bit disappointed but I'm ok, I'm coping though I've been finding it hard.

One friend of mine is asking me when is this all going to stop and that I make things worse for myselfm that I never seem to get better and am punishing myself. She also said I should stop involving myself in sites like this as they were counterproductive. Another friend said something similar about the site but more in the sense that he was afraid thinking about how other people are feeling would make me feel worse because of the empathy I felt for them. The first friend told me today that she did not want to know about my relationship with my counsellor or my visits anymore as it reminded her of another friend she had. I feel quite alone in all of this. I am angry at her so I haven't replied. I'm sick of getting ultimatums. It's as if I wish to feel this way and that I do nothing proactive. I'm thinking of texting my counsellor to see if she is any better. I really don't know where i can go from here. We'll probably spend 30 mins of the session catching up...I just feel like it's such a waste.

I'm sick of trying to get better to make other people more comfortable. I feel like there are so few people I can be "real" with. That I don't have to hold back. One of my friend's says honesty is so important but yet people only want to hear the truth that suits them. I rarely tell have the story. I might say I had a rough week or I feel bad...those words totally fail to convey how I feel sometimes but I know that the truth would probably hurt them.

Mrs. P

Mrs. P,
I can sooo relate to your feelings of not being able to be "real" with friends about your T or your depressed feelings. I have to be an award winning actress at work. And my few friends pull away from me if I try to confide in them with what is really going on inside of me. My best friend told me that her husband doesn't like her being around me because I am such a downer. My only relief is when I see my P and can let is all out. He is the only person who I can really confide in. He supports me and understands me.

I read on this forum every day and usually get something here that helps me through the day. I don't know if that is the case for you, but if it is you should keep coming here.

jane

quote:

I read on this forum every day and usually get something here that helps me through the day. I don't know if that is the case for you, but if it is you should keep coming here.

((((Mrs. P)))), I too read on this forum daily and I agree with emogirl that if it helps you get throught the day - then keep reading...

KS

Wow Mrs P! Nothing like depression to find out who your true friends really are... I have never found you a downer. It is really hard to be our real selves and it is even harder to put the happy face on but it is essential. You are so right, we do it to keep everyone else happy, but what about us? I am not happy and I am even more unhappy trying to pretend I am not.

I lost a friend when an extremely stressful time in my life first began about two years ago. She could not cope with me talking about it. But now, looking back I can see that she was never really there for me anyway.

You are among friends here but if you think it contributes to or triggers your pain we understand if you need a break.

Hugs sweetie.

Hi all,

Just said I'd check in tonight...have a few different things going on at the moment.

The friend who I was talking about is possibly not a friend anymore-I'm finding it difficult to put up a front for her or to avoid discussing therapy completely. I understand that I shouldn't be talking about it all the time but it's more the fact that it's almost a taboo subject when it is a forbidden topic. She does not seem to hear me when I try to get through to her about various things and I'm getting tired of being triggered by her and making such an effort.Yesterday she asked me on a walk and while I would've liked to go out I didn't really want to meet with her as I found it too awkward and too forced.

I'm back with my T and things are quite interesting there too...she asked me last week if I was happy with her as a counsellor and if I was still attending with her because I felt I owed it to her as I seemed so angry and upset the week before. She was suggesting a change if I needed it but I'm too scared to switch even if I really wanted to. Though I am beginning to think i need a psychiatrist rather than a counsellor as I'm unsure as to how the meds are working for me, if at all. She managed to get me to admit that she is more informal than my last T and that it makes me feel uncomfortable, yet she doesn't seem to be changing that and I feel bad if I do not keep with the small talk sometimes. It's only little details but weird as it sounds I don't want to know them.

She is trying out choice theory or reality therapy with me-has any of you tried this? She has suggested a focus group that are going to meet for 2hrs for 8 weeks-the thought of a "group" scenario terrifies me but I really need help. I rang a suicide/self-harm centre a few weeks ago and though they said they would, they never got back to me

I don't wish to trigger anyone with body image issues but I hate my body so so much, it repulses me And I feel so powerless in dealing with it as I fill with anxiety when I think about tackling the problem. The last time I did I succeeded in losing a healthy amount of weight in a healthy way but I became too obsessed and was pushing towards bullemia by the end of it. I can only do exercise and constant calorie counting rather than just sensible eating and exercise and I feel so guilty if I eat something "bad".

This whole thing is starting to get lonelier and I'm afraid I'm going to push more people away over time. I've started getting anxious at work again- I went through a horrendous 4 months in an old job where I was totally overcome with anxiety and fear for the whole working week and during the weekends which were filled with dread. There was even a random guy at work who had no dealings with me but intimidated me greatly-my ex-T said that he was a trigger.

I don't seem to miss my ex-T any less...I keep wanting to do things to distract myself from him.

I hope you are all coping ok-from the brief bits that I have managed to read I'm really happy for those who have made such great progress with your T's (you know who you are)...happy to see you back AG...and am so so sorry for your heartbreak mlc.

Take care,
Mrs. P

Hi Mrs.P
Good to see you checked in...

Do you think you will stick to you new T?
Choice theory, reality therapy... don't have a clue what could that be.
Sounds like you really need somebody to help you walk through this difficlut time.
I kind of think that having a therapist in time like this must be something like having hope, hope to get through to the other side of things. Of course I imagine it would be better if it was a therapist that is really dear to you, and you are not there with your T yet.
There is this guy who still haunts your thoughts. I can't imagine it being easy to let go or even want to let go.
I don't know it this is any sane thought, but I just imagine that if things got really wrong with my T and that would be the end of it, I imagine I would desperately want another male thrapist to cure me from this love and have all these feelings safely "transferred" onto him. Bit silly, as if I could put them on a pendrive and install elswhere. I think that's what I would wish it to be.

Take care. Maybe you could see a psychiatrist and see what he/she may suggest.
Take care...

Hello all.

It's been a long long time. Or at least it feels like it from my fairly regular posting. And things are very different, and still the same!

Bit of a warning to what I say below, it may trigger people so be careful, it goes into my feelings of depression and suicide.

I really hope you've all been ok in my absense. I'm sorry I couldn't post. It just got a point where I didn't have the energy anymore and so many posts seemed to trigger me, remind me of all the issues I had that I couldn't solve. I've been putting off this first post for a while too as I wasn't sure what I would say.

I guess I should start by telling you what happened in the interim period and then what's going on now.

It's hard to summarise really. Between my last post and the start of a new therapy group I went further and further into depression. I wanted to self harm more. I couldn't stop thinking about suicide. It was all that was on my mind. In hindsight I can't believe how bad this was and yet I still totally doubted it's validity. The thoughts terrorised me. I discussed it with my T. I tried to get sessions more than once a week. I emailed the samaritans continuously for a few weeks. I tried to discuss my feelings a little bit with a friend - he asked me why I was telling him how I felt. I broke down when I realised it was because of what he feared...that I was letting him, someone, know how I felt. Subconsciously I was letting someone know before I took action. Maybe not. But it seemed like it. I saw the movie a single man, I bawled throughout the film as it deals with feelings of suicide. That was when I became really frightened. For the first time I began to think about the notes I'd leave for loved ones. I came home and lay on the bed, crying, unable to move. That weekend was horrific. I reached my lowest point. Lay all of my tablets on my bed in front of me. And struggled not to take them. I just about held on. I'm still trying to deal with what I felt. What actually happened. I find myself wanting to heal the wounds that were left by those thoughts and actions. Only my T and 1 or two others know. Actually, really it is only my T.

Those few months have seemed like an eternity. I was continuing my course of anti-depressants, attending my new T (twenty-something sessions and she's still my new T ) and started a choice theory course. Like I said, initally I was terrified of the course. The idea of sharing to a group. It turned out to be a process of working through the main topics of the theory and trying to put them into practise. And as we began to share our thoughts on the theory we began to open up. As a group we got very close and even during our breaks we discussed intimate details of our lives. I even discussed my feelings of depression and my experiences with therapy I found myself wanting to share my ideas and my experiences. I was one of the youngest there. A lot of people were parents and were discussing unruly teens which grated a bit. I wasn't one of those and I felt I was hard done by by a parent. I was the antithesis of the rebellious teen. The main ideas behind the theory is that we make our own choices and we live with the consequences. We can only control our thoughts and actions which then affect our feelings and physiology. And that noone can make us feel anything. It is us in control of these things. Which is difficult to take when you are thrown into difficult situations when you are young. The man behind the theory emphasises not to concentrate on the past, again which is difficult for me. But a lot of the theory made sense. The realisation that I had "choices" was a total revelation. That I could pick and choose which people to have as a key feature my life or not to a certain extent (obviously not parents or others that important to you) felt very freeing. I tried to put the theory in practise as much as I could. To look at my depression as a coping mechanism. To try to remove my ex-T from my "quality world" so that it wouldn't torture me anymore. One of the biggest helping factors of choice theory was how it pulled me, if only temporarily from the future, into the present. I discovered, with the help of my new T, that I was unable to "live". I was constantly worrying and making doomsday prospects for the future. I jumped to the worst case scenario and worried about it incessantly. i still do but I'm aware of it and trying to live in the present rather than being engulfed by worry and anxiety.

A week or two into the group I felt a huge difference. Of course, this coincided with me suddenly stopping my anti-D's I don't know why I stopped but I just did for a while. All of a sudden I felt much better. Months of utter helplessness and depression, no energy or positivity. It's hard to tell what made the difference, probably a combo of the two but I think it was mainly the drugs. That said, I am not ok now. Just much much better. Not in deep depression. Sometimes I get some dark thoughts creeping back but I push them away.

I feel like I trust my T a lot more now. We get on very well. I keep pushing and pushing for progress, forcing things a little, I know that. My insecurities are still very bad and I have the same cycles of awful self-criticism and blaming, totally guilty feelings too over tiny things.

I have started a new journey in my life too, I have met someone. He's an amazing person who's had to deal with a lot. He supports me and compliments me no end, does his best to get me to trust him and feel good about myself. I feel very lucky. It's hard to do this, I'm finding it very hard to trust him in some ways, I realise that I find it very hard to accept love or that someone loves me. I always question why they would. And I still don't care about myself, I still put myself down and find it hard to find positives. But he is motivating me to change that. Otherwise it will have a negative impact on our relationship and I don't want that.

In other news, I am still working. Some days become full of anxiety that I'm incompetent and that I will be found out at any moment. Other days I am ok. I'm beginning to worry already about next year, finishing college and how I will cope with the stress. I became hysterical only 3 weeks ago when after PMS symptoms I convinced myself I was pregnant even though there was practically 0% scientific chance that I was. I just became totally delusional. And I became physically sick with anxiety. I had convinced myself that I was bad, this was going to happen to me, I was irresponsible and that these cramps I was having were punishment for being a terrible and irresponsible person. When my period came with stabbing pains a few days later I took no notice. I felt a bit relieved but was actually really surprised. I was sure that was it. My irrational side had taken my logical side hostage. I felt as if I was going mad. My mind was hell-bent on punishing me. That really scares me and is something I need to change before I have a breakdown due to another episode of delusion.

Friend scenario is a bit crap at the moment. On the plus side I stepped back from the situation between a female friend and her ex who was mistreating her. i realised through choice theory that I was trying to control the situation, stop her from getting hurt. I was a carbon copy of my mum and my dad. But I did it. We don't really speak as much anymore. That makes me sad but she hasn't done anything to help herself and still continues with allowing him to hurt her and disregarding those who care about her. So I'm leaving it aside for now. I wish I had more friends, more social things to get me out more and make me enjoy life and friendship. I'm finding it very hard, esp as my bf lives a good distance away. So we can't act as friends when we want to.

And as for the elephant in the room, my ex-T. I bumped into him a few weeks ago after 7 months of not seeing him and grieving. And it was the briefest of hellos, as if we had barely met before. I found it very hard. I just sat staring for a while after, trying to recover. He still comes up a lot in sessions. I still wonder if he was as oblivious to transference as he said he was. And the thing is, there's a possibility of me going back to him in Sept when i rejoin college as my current T is too far away to continue while going to college. It's like opening up old wounds though. I don't know if I could do it. i still think about him. Would the therapy focus on old stuff, my resentment of how he reacted to certain things, would I become even more deeply attached. I don't know. I don't even know if he wants to see me. That scares me, that sort of rejection. Would I be able to be honest with him, ask for more? I really don't know. I have the summer to think about it I guess.

Apologies for the length of the post. i just thought you guys might like to know, ask questions, add advice or comments. Or maybe that it might help you in some way. I wanted this post to be somewhat uplifting, to show that you can come so close to finishing everything and begin to live again, to recover.

Take care all of you, I wish you all the best x

Mrs. P

Mrs. P!!!!! Good to see you on here again!! {{{{{{{{{{{Mrs. P}}}}}}}}}}}}} Am rushing off right now so I will respond in more detail later...but I just wanted to welcome you "back"!

SG

Welcome back Mrs. P and it's wonderful to see you post again. I had wondered what happened to you but I do understand that being here can be triggering at times and I also need to take breaks occassionally.

That said I'm so glad you came back to update us. You have been on quite a journey. Whether you can recognize it or not, you have a very strong desire to move towards life and living it. You reached out for help. You fought hard against the darkness and have come out the other side. You are stronger now and have learned good coping skills. You can see what is possible for you. You are very courageous.

Yes I know things are not perfect and we all have those moments of self-hate and self-doubt but we must continue to fight them and to try to accept the good things. This is also very difficult for me to do.

Your story is very inspirational. Thank you for posting it and for letting us know how you are doing.

Hugs!
TN

Hi Mrs P

I haven't met you , but remember reading some of your posts when I was lurking on the forum. Thank you for sharing your story. I am glad that things are a bit easier for you than they were and wish you the best as you continue on your journey. Look forward to geeting to know you more too,

starfish

Hi Mrs. P,
It's good to hear from you!! And no apologies necessary, as TN said, we all understand those periods where it gets tough to post.

I am sorry you had to walk through such dark places, but am very happy to hear you have come back out on the other side. I've been in a place where I've wanted to end my own life and it was just terrifying for me. I'm glad that you held on and that you're still here.

I'm also glad to hear of the improvements, that group is helping and you have a new bf. I hope things will continue to get better. And please know that if it gets dark again, you can remember that you've gotten through it and can do so again.

Looking forward to having you here again!

AG

Hi all, it's been sooo long! I just felt I had to write today. I hope you're all well. I see a lot more people have joined the forum and the sheer volume and array of issues coming up is startling but encouraging - at least people are talking and can get support here.

The reason I'm typing today is that I met with my ex-T again! THE ex-T with all the transference and messed up feelings and running away at the sight of him ex-T. It has been over a year since I've been his patient and I could never have imagined going back to him again. I was shattered when I left and it took me months to get over the transference...and even then it lingered in weird ways.

A few weeks ago I was feeling crappy - lots of comfort eating and stress and I felt like I needed help. I had written letters in the past just for my own satisfaction to write down what I would say to my ex-T if I could be honest with him. Well, today, after almost cancelling a number of times and panicking when i saw him, I spilled everything! I met him on the corridor on the way to his office and my immediate feelings were "oh crap, what have i done, I can't handle this". There was awkward smalltalk on the way down to the office but I felt I was trapped at that stage hehe.

It was surreal to be in his office. I have had so many thoughts and fantasies about him and it...to actually be in there after almost vowing to avoid him at all costs...so bizarre. I told him immediately I didn't want to be there and he asked me if I wanted to leave. But I kept going - I said I wanted to clear the air.
So I told him everything - about my messed up feelings for him, other intimate issues in my life at the moment, depression last year and everything I'd held back from him previously. Poor guy, I think I bowled him over. In hindsight I was terribly blunt. But I think I dissociated from the second I got in there. Anyone else experienced this? I was "zoned out" all through the session and for hours after. I didn't even feel like i had control over what I was saying. It feels so good to have gotten things out there - I feel like I could make real progress now, that I've dealt with a big issue. I can't convey it properly to anyone around me as it's such a big deal for me because of how much it has bothered me for so long. I knew you guys would understand

Now, in reflection, I'm feeling what he said I would which is embarrassment and a little guilt for being so blunt - telling him the terrible things I felt about him - wanting him to abuse his power etc....he seems (note how it's "he seems rather than "he is" ) like a kind and gentle man so it must've been hard for him to hear that. I can tell he has my interests at heart. God it was such a revelation, so liberating. He says he hopes to bring me to a level where I'm not a "second class citizen" to everyone else or more accurately that I don't put myself in that position.

I'm excited about working with him, it feels like a bit of a fresh start. I'm still extremely weary....so scared it will backfire or i will get caught up in the same stuff again. But i think this could be great for my personal growth. I would like to study psychology maybe and until I sorted this (among other things) I don't think I could even apply.

As you can tell I'm still hyper! Still thinking about it. Haven't stopped all day! I'm just relieved to have made an ok rather than catastrophic decision.

Thanks for listening and best wishes to everyone, whatever they're dealing with.

Mrs. P

Wow Mrs. P you certainly took a huge leap in that session. BTW, welcome back and thanks for sharing and giving us this update on your situation. Please refresh my memory though...I thought you were sort of forced to leave your T because of a reason that was beyond both of your control... like you ran out of sessions at school? or he was going somewhere else??? Forgive me if I'm fuzzy on this as it was awhile ago and my memory is not as it used to be.

I was surprised that you "could" go back... I didn't think there was a choice and that is why I'm surprised but oh so pleased for you. The fact that you could put it all out there... all those things that have been interfering in your therapy and in your life in general. I must say that this was all very courageous of you to do and I'm glad he seemed to accept it with grace and understanding.

It seems like your decision turned out well so far... I wish you all the best in pursuing therapy with him again. You certainly seemed to have grown.

Best,
TN

Hi, Mrs. P...I remember reading some of your old threads from back when you were posting, and I wanted to say hi. It sounds like you're taking a huge leap, and resolving this old conflict...good for you. I hope you will get support you need here! It's nice to "meet" you!

Blackbird

Mrs. P!!!! I was just thinking about you the other day, wondering how you've been! Congratulations on finally getting to say what you've wanted to say to your T. It sounds like it was tough stuff and you deserve a lot of credit for opening up to him like that. I can almost feel your excitement and optimism coming through the computer screen. I truly hope this new beginning leads to some healing work for you. Please keep us posted.

Hugs,
SG

Hi all.

Thanks for your warm replies. @ TN - yes there was an issue there about continuing as I was taking a year out and as such was not considered a student at the college anymore. So I could not be treated in the college at least until I was a student again. Which I am this year. The issue of limited sessions has not come up again and when I asked the secretary about this she said if very continuous sessions were needed then perhaps you would need to look elsewhere so I'm still a bit confused on the vagueness of this point.

And...after all my optimism from last week I'm in a terrible mood with my T today. I arrived on time this afternoon after having a tough morning...I was fragile as it was. So sat in the waiting room. Waited 35 mins before thinking I had better take a look around the corner to see if his room was engaged and it wasn't. My reasoning for not doing this initially was presuming a) he was busy with a patient and b) if he wasn't he knew I was due and would check the waiting room. I didn't want to be presumptuous. However, when I went in he had no idea our session was on and had seemed to have forgotten to put it into his diary. He seemed so scattered and I still feel so angry about it. Especially as I had thought about him over the weekend and felt guilty about it. I don't know why I think about him but I do and it makes me feel terrible. I love my bf so I feel like it's wrong of me to think of my ex-T. I feel so let down even though it was a simple mistake. I said i was fine but I'm not. I feel like a big illusion has been shattered. It was a bit last week and moreso this week. I just see him as an annoyance, flawed and a disappointment. I had him on a pedestal and he has clearly fallen off it. I want him to. I'm sick of him invading my mind. It's all fiction. I didn't even like him speaking about my boyfriend.

Gah, sorry for the rant. Just one of those days. Thanks for listening.

Mrs. P

Hi guys

Need a bit of help here. Something crappy happened last night and I can't get it out of my mind.

Basically I went out with some friends for a few drinks in a local pub. I was sitting on a sofa with a few other people, one of whom was known to one of my friends. My friend joked that "this guy could say anything" and of course I laughed it off expecting a silly chat up line or just general stupidity.

However, what actually happened was the guy said the most vulgar sexual things to me- asking me to let him carry stuff out on me and talking about other aggressive sexual acts. I laughed it all off and didn't take particular notice at the time, probably cos i was shocked, uncomfortable and drunk. He also exposed himself - which I didn't see but I saw the reaction of others and knew he was moving beside me. Today I woke up hungover but also with the realization of what happened and I feel sick. I have done all day. I cannot believe I sat there and laughed it off and the whole thing has given me a huge deja vu feeling from a previous sexual assault where I didn't really say or do anything and even looked after the perpetrator as I was his friend at the time and confused. Again the horrible reality hit me the day after. Again I was hungover and felt stupid for drinking. Again I couldn't believe that I laughed at his stupid jokes/reassured him.

I know what happened last night was small. Most people would get over it. Move on. But I feel awful and don't know what to do. As I said in my previous post , my counselling session was moved to today after my T missed it last week. Today, 30mins before session he calls to say the college is closing and so he has to finish early. So I've been put back til next Friday now. Today I needed him and while I get it's totally out of his control I'm angry and upset I can't speak to him. I spoke to my boyfriend about what happened and it helped a little but it just feels like this big weight and all I want to do is huddle up in bed and cry.

Confused and upset,
Mrs. P

Mrs P so sorry to hear that you could not see your T today of all days when you really needed him the most. Was it due to weather conditions that the school closed? Is is possible to contact him via phone or send him an email and letting him know you really need to talk to someone about what happened? Maybe just making some contact with him would help you.

As for what happened with that guy... well unfortuntely, those of us who have always had our boundaries violated and been in abusive situations find it difficult to protect ourselves from having it happen again. We get uncomfortable and don't want to make a big deal out of it and then it ends up with us getting hurt in some way. And if we are in an altered state from drinking then it makes that even harder to do... our boundaries are even lower from the alcohol. I'm sorry you were subjected to this awful guy and I would steer clear of these "friends" in the future. And this is definitely something to discuss with T and allow him to help you with it.

I think part of the way we allow this is because of our low self-esteem... at least in my case this has always been true. It was as if I deserved to be subjected to abuse from anyone as that was how I grew up and it was very familiar. It's hard to break the cycle and that is where having the safe relationship with our therapist comes in and learning that we are worthy, deserving people and that no one should be allowed to treat us in any disrespectful way.

Mrs P you are a good and wonderful person and you do not deserve to be treated in that way. I hope you can find a way to believe this and that you can, with your Ts help, learn to protect yourself and stand up for yourself so that you will be okay.

Hugs to you
TN

Hi TN,

Thanks for your reply. Yes, it was due to terrible weather conditions - he had no choice as the college was closing. I feel awkward contacting him. He's technically "off" as the college has been closed til at least tomorrow. I'm also scared he will ring me. I wouldn't mind emailing but don't think I could deal with a phone call - I don't think I would get the words out.

Thanks for your kind words. I'm just angry at myself for the way I reacted. I also feel that the incident has put me back in terms of healing from past experiences and I hope it doesn't affect my relationship with my bf. He has been really understanding but I'm sick of feeling this way. My bf is loving and kind but sexual situations are just loaded with all this crappy stuff from the past. Now certain words and phrases are too.

I feel embarrassed even admitting what happened and even moreso my reaction to it. It feels very over the top.I just feel pretty helpless.I lost power again and I let things happen that I didn't want to. I'm so angry and frustrated with my T that I'm wondering if I should even go to the appointment next Friday. It's so far away and it feels like it will be too late to deal with my feelings properly.

Rant over. Thanks again.

Mrs. P

Hi Mrs. P.

I am so sorry this situation happened to you. I can relate...I have been in similar situations where I've gone along with behavior that made me feel "poisoned" afterward...and then I've beaten myself up on top of it, both for staying and putting up with that which poisoned me, and for feeling so poisoned in the first place.

FWIW I think TN's response was brilliant. She really got to the heart of the matter, IMO. When we've grown up not having our boundaries respected, when we don't even know it's okay to have boundaries, then scenarios like these start to make sense, in terms of WHY we stay and put up with behavior that is toxic to us...and then we beat ourselves with the stick that was used on us previously, in being angry with ourselves for needing boundaries in the first place, because we don't think we deserve them.

I totally agree with TN that you are good and wonderful and do NOT deserve to be treated that way. The feeling of being poisoned from this behavior is totally understandable to me and I hope you do whatever you need to do to take really good care of yourself. Including going to your appointment and talking about what happened. IMO you did nothing "wrong" in this situation...that guy is the one who *should* be ashamed of his behavior...you just didn't know to protect yourself...but you are in therapy to learn how to value yourself enough to have good boundaries...that is a brave and courageous thing to do, especially considering the old messages you are working against...so I hope you can trust what you are hearing here enough to start practicing being kinder to yourself...because you really are worth it.

Big safe hugs to you Mrs. P,
SG

Hi, Mrs. P... I'm so sorry for the horribly abusive way that you were treated and among "friends" who seemd to just laugh it all off and expect you to do the same. It's no good what happened...and that guy could have been arrested, at least in my country, for what he did...so you are not overreacting. Try, not to beat yourself up for the helplessness and "going along with the crowd" because, you aren't as responsible for that as someone who has say high or even normal self-esteem, would be... and even person like that- would have a hard time in that situation being firm and getting up, leaving, speaking their mind, or whatever. It's ok that you couldn't do that. bBut same time, I'm sorry that you are left with the bad feelings,the effects of not being able to do that- is all. In time, you will grow firmer boundaries, yes, and a sense of "I am worth it" just try, not to beat yourself for not being quite there yet, as that only leads to more guilt and bad feelings which you do not need more of. It's quite amazing and so good that this has even bothered you...many would not be bothered, so- it says a lot about you and your goodness- that you are bothered. Be proud of that, for now, and that's enough. Call your T if you can!

Love,

BB

Hi all...it seems I only come on here these days when the **** has hit the fan...sorry about that. I wish I could give back more. In the summer I hope to be able to make more time for things like this.

*Potential trigger here as always*

There has been a story going around the media here for a few days about a conversation that was had between a number of police officers who didn't know they were being recorded. They were joking about raping and deporting women who were protesting in the local area....and I say joking. They saw it as frivilous - I am under no illusions that they meant it but nonetheless it was tasteless and unacceptable for enforcers of the law. Anyways last night myself and a few female friends were walking to a friends house. There were guys hanging around in the park besides the walkway joking and shouting about how they were going to rape us like the policemen in questions and kept using the word rape and laughing and joking. I found it very triggering.

Today I'm a bit of a mess. I know i should brush it off...i was in no danger...the area had security around and i was with 2 other friends. It just pushed my buttons. And today I realised I still had the guy who assaulted me previously blocked on a website I'm on. I unblocked him but it seems he had done the same to me. I was so adamant that I was gonna poke around in this wound that I got an oblivious friend to find him and take a pic of his homepage to just push myself. I don't know why. I'm feel like crap all day and now all I can think of is him and wanting to walk to his house in the dark and speak to him. I know it's stupid. I know it'll hurt like nothing. Why do I want to do this to myself? I can't stand what's going on in my head

Yours,
Mrs. P

Hi, Mrs. P. It's ok to post only when you need to or are able to- I think most of us do that, and that's totally normal and not selfish or anything.

I'm sorry you seem to still be struggling with this stuff.
Are you still seeing your old T?

BB