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My stepfather adopted me and raised me for the majority of my life. He's always been a little quirky but overall a pretty good father. However, the last 6 years has been a different story. I'm now 32 and have 4 small children. I also have 3 younger sisters who are his biological children ranging from the age of 16 to 25. okay...back to the last 6 years. The secret of my step father's addiction has come out and the reasons for his really odd behavior lately are now explained. He is addicted to a slew of medications and alcohol. According to my mother his addictions have existed for many years but between the two of them they have hidden it well. Over the last several years he has attempted to overdose and commit suicide. Of the times I am aware of....it has been about 8-10 times. Which now feels more like he's doing it for attention than really trying to end his life. So my sisters and I refer his attempts now to an "episode". It's just getting worse and the emotional involvement is overwhelming for not only me but now my husband and children are being affected. I have tried to help him, love and forgive him each time but the cycle just continues over and over again. The last 2 times he had an episode my children were less than 20 feet away. Pills all over the floor and two hunting knives on the floor used to create artificial cuts on his wrists. The last episode he made a smoothie in a blender consisting of draino and rat poisoning which he drank and ended up in ICU for over a week. It just seems to get crazier and crazier each time and I've had to completely wash my hands of him. I do not trust him whatsoever and I don't want my babies to be anywhere near him.
Well, it's been over a year since his last suicide attempt. My mother insists that he is a different man and is living his life the right way. That he is no longer taking any prescriptions or drinking. My mother desperately wants to have her family back and I feel she will tell me anything I want to hear to get her family back. She wants her daughters to bring their families back over to their home for Sunday dinners and act as if nothing has happened over the last 6 years. And I just can't bring myself to do it. Sure it has been a year of him being sober but I honestly don't believe it. All the lies in the past have put me in this state of denial and trusting either one of my parents at this point is impossible. My children's safety is not worth a Sunday dinner with them. I really just want to move on in life and worry about taking care of my family. I love my mother unconditionally but because of all this I have to stick to what I believe in. If she wants to see the kids she is going to have to do it without my stepfather. Our home is always open to her but she constantly shoves in my face how I should forgive my stepfather and what I'm doing is wrong. In the past I have forgiven him...over and over and over again. When is it enough? How many times do I let this man wreak havoc on my heart? There is sooooo much to the story it's ridiculous but I'm just trying to tell what needs to be told so I can get some advice from those who are from the outside of this situation. Is it wrong of me to completely cut my stepfather out? Along with his problems he has said very mean things and his actions towards me and my sisters have been extremely hurtful.
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Hi Eldest Child,
Welcome to the forums! I am sorry for the situation you find yourself in and have a lot of sympathy. I was estranged from my father from the age of 11 until his death when I was 39, but have had to struggle with this issue about my mom.

I do want you to know that I certainly understand your concern for your children being around someone so out of control and why you wouldn't want them around your step-father. I very much agree with your priorities that the safety of your children comes first.

It has to be difficult to have your mom putting so much pressure on you, but if she's been helping your step father hide these problems all these years, then she's really not seeing too clearly. She's asking you to join in the illusion that everything is fine and under control when you have no reason to trust that. And just because she's decided to that she needs to stay in this relationship does NOT mean that you have to. You're a separate person from your mother with separate needs and that's what your decisions need to be based on. Not what your mother needs, but what you and your family needs.

So this is a sucky answer but what you really have to do is step back enough to figure out what YOU really want to do taking into account your priorities and values. I think it's perfectly acceptable to NOT be in contact and keep your present family away from that chaos. It's also perfectly acceptable to feel like you want to continue the relationship but put protections in place so that your family is protected. Would it be possible for these Sunday dinners to take place at a public restaurant so that the family could get together but you would be assured that your children were with you at all times? And if something uncomfortable happens such as threatening behavior, you pick them up and head home? I suggest a restaurant as it would be easier to leave if you need to on neutral ground. And that way you could observe your stepfather over an extended period of time and decide how real his recovery is and how safe you feel your children are around him.

But yes, it's really ok to decide you want nothing else to do with the chaos.

I am not sure if you are in therapy, but I know that it was indispensable to me to have that place that was only about my needs so that I could untangle myself enough from my family (serious enmeshment issues Smiler) to identify what it was I wanted away from the pressure to conform to the family myths. It might provide a safe place for you to work through your feelings and help you make a decision about this that you'll be comfortable with. This is really difficult stuff.

AG
Hello eldestchild

I cant tell you what to do other than say "follow your heart [your gut]" You are not a bad daughter/son or mother/father, if you decide to not let your children see their granddad. I had to stay away from my parents too for me and my family's well being. It sounds like you still dont trust him and most of all, you are still hurting form what he did to you. Families who deal with addictions have a thing with denial dont they. The most horrid actions can be forgotten about and a simple "come on child, he is better now, he hasnt touch a drink in ages" is supposed to make everything better again. It is another form of denying your own reality, your feelings. You have a right to still be hurt and you have a right to stay away as long as you wish. you also have a right of a deep felt apology, but if you will get that is another question... I hope that whatever you decide, you will decide it because you really want to do it, not because of guilt or shame.

take gentle care of yourself

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