(((Riddikulus)))

You may need to use an open mind to what I am going to say.

Everyone needs to be forgiven if they are sorry and have made changes. Your mother may have been the mother from hell when you were young, and her drinking hurt you. If she has changed, which you say she has, and if she is providing a supportive and positive relationship to your child, and she is not in anyway harming her, then really a lot of it it is about your issues and you not being ready to forgive her.

None of us are perfect. Your mother may have turned to drink for a reason. Perhaps even a reason you are not aware of. The point is if you put yourself in her shoes for just a moment ....[lets imagine]..... You knew you had made mistakes. You regretted those mistakes and tried YOUR best to make changes in your life. The changes were not perfect changes but they were changes. You made every effort to make amends to your daughter by showing her that you cared for her. Looking after her child in a sober state was in some ways an apology to her for ynot being the mother you should have been, and it was also a way of proving to both of you that you had come a long way.

You see Riddikulus, she probably needs you to have that open talk with her and say something along the lines of ....you know Mom, you were really a crummy mother to me. You hurt me. I felt this .....and I felt that...... and still today I struggle with ........ but I want you to know that I am really proud of you for making the changes you have made. They may not be the perfect changes, and yes I would like you to stop drinking completely, but I don't know how it is to walk in your shoes and I don't know what made you start drinking like that in the first place or what it is that makes you still continue to drink, but I do know that I am proud of you for changing as much as you have. I am thankful that you take the time to look after my child, and I am thankful for the positive influence you have in her life. I am thankful for you trying to make amends and I do notice the effort you put in.

Riddikulus, you can say it as and how you want to, but remember the more you acknowledge and appreciate her changes the more she will want to change further, and the more change you see from her, the easier it will be for you to forgive her.

Lean into the pit and hold out your hand to her. She is halfway up already, and that came from the effort she put in. Maybe she just needs your helping hand to get her all the way out?

That is my take on it. You may or may not agree, and I really hope that I didn't downplay your emotional struggle or offend you in any way. I just know that we all make mistakes and we can't spend a life time being punished if we really and truly are sorry.



B2W

Hi Riddikulus,
I think B2W makes a lot of good points, especially about people being deserving of a second chance. All that said, I think the bottom line in your situation has to be the well-being of your children. I tend to view a drinking problem as a drinking problem, if the person is still drinking and there was problematic behavior in the past associated with drinking, then I would tend to be highly skeptical of how much change has taken place. It is clear that you are worried since you have an unspoken rule to leave the kids early in the day. I know it must be difficult to see the situation clearly. I also understand wanting to allow you mother to have a relationship with your children, but whether they should be left alone in her care is another question. Giving her a hand up and helping her continue to recover does not mean it needs to be accomplished through babysitting your children. I'm not trying to be alarmist and I want to b up front about my own bias which is that I felt so unprotected by my parents, that I tend to be very cautious about keeping my kids safe (maybe overly so), so I may be reacting too strongly. I think what I'm really trying to say is that your responsibility to your children is SO much more important than your responsibility towards your mother, it's their well-being and feelings which should be the focus, not your mother's.

AG

Thank you so much for replying. It really helps to have some perspective!

B2W you do make some great points. I strive to be forgiving and I act like I am but I guess I am just not ready. It feels like I am putting a lid on myself and my fears and my actual concrete experience (I literally have a 12 year old me in my head going 'what the hell are you doing?') and giving my daughter to her in an act of trust that is not genuine.

But I am 100% willing to praise her for how far she has come and for the improved behaviour and switch to wine and make a big fuss of her on the days she is sober. I think that is a great idea and I wish I had done it sooner! I have read alot about boundaries with alchoholics - walking out of the house if they are drunk handing up and calling back another day if they are drunk on the phone but I have never been able to achieve this. I think I could praise her for the positive steps in the right direction though. I could also share my own experience with her as I drank for many years (how could I not ! It was everywhere in the hosue) but sobered up for five years before I had children. There is nothing in my life that isn't better since I stopped drinking. Though my joy at being healthy might put her off - I rememeber well the feeling of 'them' and 'us' when I was drinking. I didn't realise until I stopped that my sobriety would create a divide between us as we have always been so close.

But as you say AG their are better ways to encourage her than through babysitting my child. Especially on a regular longterm basis ( I turned the work down yesterday). I think you have uncovered something I wasn't conscious of unitl now - that I have been struggling putting my responsibity for my children with my responsibility (genuine or not) for my mother. My baby has only been here for 2years. I have felt responsible for my mother for going on 27 years. It's been a hard shift and choosing my daughters safety (even if over protective) over keeping up the happy families charade is a step in the right direction for me. Thank you again. R