I had a caseworker who was to be my support system inbetween T appointments. It's an intensive support system that means I could have a home visit daily in times of acute distress. I've only really ever needed a visits a week at most, sometimes I'd phone her during the week also. It helped just knowing 'someone' was THERE - having a safety net is so hugely important to me. we worked together for 4 months. I felt safe. When I was doing hard work in therapy, I was able to phne her for support after a T session (I hardly needed to@, because just KNOWING she was 'there' was usually enough.
But about 6-7 weeks ago it started to fall apart.
She started not turning up. I'd wait at home and she never called or txt or contacted me. The first time I thought 'no big deal, something urgent must have come up'. I felt anxious and worried. I left a phone message, no response. The next day I left another phone message; by now I was really really worried, it was so unlike her, I began to think she must have been in an accident or very sick or dead. She didn't return my message that day either. The next day I phoned head office - no answer - I kept trying. I was beside myself. Eventually I got through - she said she had txt me but the phones must not have worked. She didn't have a reason as to why she didn't return my calls when I'd expressed I was worried something had happened to her
. I WAS able to tell her how badly it affected me - how it triggered flashbacks, and major abandonment trauma.Not that made any difference
why? Because....The next week she did turn up. I thought I could begin to trust her again. But the following week - same thing - no show, no communication. I was again unable to contact anyone at head office. Turns out she had gone home sick, and 'someone' was 'meant to phone me and let me know'. When I did talk to her about it it turns out I was her ONLY client that day - why couldn't she not just make a one minute phone call to say she was really sorry but was going home sick???? WHY, when I had been able to communicate how DISTRESSING I'd found it last time for her to not turn up???
We talked it through AGAIN. I told who AGAIN the huge impact this had on me. That I couldn't see her until I talked it through with my T. That it's left me not feeling I can't trust her, that I have NO SUPPORT, that right when I need more than anything, support - my safety net has been ripped out from under me. We made a time for me to go see her at her office; I could not cope with waiting at home for her to maybe not arrive again.
But I had to cancel as I was too distressed.
She phoned me back a week later. She offered to meet but I couldn't do it - but I did accept her offer of a phone call. We agreed she'd phone me Friday 3pm - I thought 'ok this might work, a step in the right direction to trusting her again'.
We timed our call for Friday afternoon because I see my T Friday mornings, and if it's a hard session I really struggle over the weekend - I have no friends or family support. A phone call from my caseworker can help me feel supported and be the difference between coping or not over the weekend.
She never called me. Not even on Monday morning. Nothing.
I then had to make a massively difficult decision - I phoned her boss, I expressed my hurt, how much it affected me, and I just wanted to know WHY she didn't call or turn up. I asked to change caseworkers. I didn't want to because I LIKED my caseworker. I felt I had no choice, and I resented being put into this situation of having to call her boss
Long story short I got a new caseworker. We met last Friday. I deliberately didn't talk about what happened with my old caseworker because I didn't want to make my new one uncomfortable talking about her colleague (they work together). I felt hope it might work.
We made an app for yesterday morning, 9:30am, my place.
She never turned up.
Hard to believe huh?
I wish it wasn't true but it is.
I couldn't get hold of her or the head office. I left messages.
She phoned me 2 hours later. Her excuse was "so sorry I didn't phone you - we had a huge 2 hour meeting this morning that I only found out about on Monday!"
WTF - you found out about it TWO DAYS AGO AND COULDN'T FUCKING PHONE ME????? Hardly like it was just a last minute thing!!!!
I couldn't see her this week I couldn't. I put it off til next week but I'm feeling so fucked up I don't think I can see her or deal with their agency ever again
Why is this happening? What the hell is wrong with ME????
I emailed my T yesterday, but didn't get a response. She might not even have got it yet. Not that she can do anything other than write she's 'sorry I'm struggling and hopes we can talk about it on Friday'
I feel so unglued by this. It's triggered a deep abandonment pain - it's wounded me so much it doesn't even feel survivable a lot of the time. I just don't know what to do
I'm having a lot of flashbacks due to it. I get genuinely confused as to why my dog (from the present) is back in childhood with me because it feels like I'm back there. I can't do 'grounding' stuff please don't suggest it - it triggers me even more.
Worse is that next week is the anniversary of my mothers sudden death - that I witnessed, aged 10.
I hate her so much for bringing me into this world, hurting me, fucking me up, and then dying on me and leaving me to pick up the mess ALONE. . It's so unfair she can do all this DAMAGE to my soul and NEVER EVER have to accept responsibility or be accountable in any way. My father is dead also - same thing - they fucked up and fucked me over and they're dead and don't have to deal with the aftermath.
I'm all alone.
Sometimes I HATE life so much - I HATE how it is, how it works - it feels like one giant JOKE and I'm at the centre of the joke
