Hey CT,

I just want to say I'm sorry you're in the thick of it with all this stuff. It is truly impressive that you are even semi-coping with all the things you have going on, and I want to second your T's call for you to take care of yourself.

I hope you can find a way to do that.

j

CT

Well done you for not cutting - of all the things you ARE managing to achieve (and that’s a pretty long list too!) the not cutting has got to rank up there pretty highly.

And wow about your mother’s comment - it sounds like she put herself in some sort of belittling competition with you - not only negating you but putting the burden of her problems onto you (you think you’ve got it bad well what about this… type of communication). That is so bad, I can imagine how it would make you feel not only trivialized and worthless and guilty for your pain, but also forced to look after someone who should have been looking after you. Well ok I’m reading that into your comment, sorry it’s just how I’d feel if that happened to me.

About not being able to cry for yourself - that’s my big problem (and yes, the more I have to shut down on feeling ‘sorry’ for myself - I mean that in a genuine way - the more frustrated and angry I get and the more divorced from any sense of self as ok I become (well ok I don’t really HAVE a sense of self as ok, but some days I feel better about being me than others.) I just hate it when T’s say things like that - oh you’re not really crying for x you’re ‘really’ crying for yourself - that signals total shutdown and disconnection for me. Just hoped that if you do find a way of being able to cry for yourself, would you let me know

Hang in there CT - you so obviously have enormous strength and will, but also a huge amount on your plate. Definitely time to ease up a bit on yourself.

Hi guys. Sorry haven't responded. Monte, Jones and Lamplighter- thanks for your responses. They really mean a lot to me, and I've been reading over them.

Unfortunately, I'm having a really, really hard time right now.... still. I don't even know if I can explain it. Just... angry, numb, distant.... my motto has kinda been "it doesn't matter, nothing matters."

Cancelled my next session with my t... I've never cancelled before, and I don't really know why I did... I just did. Might cancel more, might not, idk. it doesn't really matter anyway.

Just wanted you all to know that i appreciate your responses. Thanks.


-CT

Woah there CT - it does matter, you matter, you really really do. You are a special person on this board and I know I'm not the only one who is always happy to see you post, to see the honesty and intelligence with which you write about your own stuff and that particular blend of forthrightness, insight and care you offer to other people. We need you and we need you in good shape.

And you deserve a lotta lotta gentleness and love and kindness. You're grieving and you've got a massive load of stuff on your plate to take care of. You need support and care to get through any of it - or even to just be okay - because that's what we all need.

I want to say this: you are NOT like your mother. Her suggestion that you find a more creative way to hurt yourself is abominable, and I hate that she said that to you. I already know from the care I see you give to other people here and from the commitment you have to your own healing that you would never say that kind of thing to your child or to anyone else.

Why does that matter? Because you have already grown beyond what she gave you. You have already found new and better ways to be. You have already come SO far on your healing journey, and that's from your own smarts and strength and goodheartedness. You're doing great.

It's okay to want to take a rest, but I'm hoping you can make it a safe rest, a gentle and supported rest - and if that is too much to think of, please keep writing and talking.

J

Hey DF - it's good to see you - sorry to hear you are having such a rough time too!

((((((((((DF))))))))))


((((((((((CT))))))))))

Don't forget we are here to listen.

J

((CT)) I'm sorry you are feeling so bad right now. I know that place all too well myself. DF and Jones are right you need to be gentle with yourself right now. Please take care of yourself.

Smiley

CT, nothing I can say I don't think that will help except that I am thinking of you lots and send a hug to join those you've already had (((CT))) - AND you are most definitely worth bothering over

Take care CT,
starfish

Thanks for all the hugs and support. It helps. And I've been able to muster a few details about what's been going on... sorry if it doesn't make too much sense, I'm pretty out of it.

Last three or four sessions have been really blah. Just consisting of me going in, bitching about how overwhelmed and stressed I am, and her nodding along. They've been really superficial, have lead to nothing great, and have made me feel overall pretty disconnected from my t. Feel just the same or worse after I leave. Haven't been putting any effort into therapy after/between sessions either... too busy and overwhelmed, not writing, no epiphanies, nothing. Just empty.

This last session, I was talking about how I feel like a fuck up... how every situation just feels like another example of how I'm NOT doing something right or well enough. She said she didn't see it that way, and I just blew her off. Well, after that session, it really bothered me that she doesn't see how I screw things up/ am a fuck up/ can't do anything right. Made a LONG list of what my life would need to look like in order for me to NOT consider myself a fuck up. Told her I didn't understand how she couldn't see how I was dropping the ball in so many areas... that it made me wonder what she was doing during our sessions. Told her that I really want to cut... that I've been thinking about dying a lot lately.

Well, I didn't have time to drop the letter off, so I faxed it like I've done before. Didn't get a response... didn't really ask for one, but kept stewing just the same. Started thinking that maybe life would get easier if I didn't have to worry about therapy for a while... that I'm not really getting any work done anyway, so i might as well stop until the semester's over... until I'm ready to actually work again. Called and told her that I think I might want to cancel for a while, and asked what she thought.

She called back and said (something along these lines): "First of all, I don't think this is a decision we need to make over the phone, and secondly, just like the fax I got, your expectations are too high. By the way, I barely even got that fax, you really need to let me know when you're faxing me something, ok? And you know, sometimes it's okay for you to have sessions where you just complain. It can actually be a good way for you to use me. I don't want therapy to add stress or expense, but I think we need to talk about this."

So... a) she thought that would be a really good time to reprimand me about faxing her.... faxing has never been a problem before and she's NEVER asked me to let her know when I fax something and b) she admitted that she thinks all I have been doing lately is COMPLAINING and c) she doesn't give a fuck if i feel like dying or not.

I called back after I got her message and said that it wasn't expense that was bothering me- it was frustration- and that high expectations or not, it doesn't matter and i cancelled my next session. Said for now I plan on being there the week after next, but i wasn't sure and I would let her know. Apologized for faxing... won't be doing THAT again. She won't call me back, didn't ask her to, and she's not going to try to make me come to therapy, I know that. She doesn't care, probably glad to not have to see me soon, and hoping I will cancel the rest of my sessions too. Been thinking about it... might as well, right? They're not doing any good anyway, just complaining. Need to focus on school anyway, and work. Therapy just doesn't matter anymore. I'm numb and don't even miss her anymore. Just want to be done.

-CT

more venting... potential triggers... sorry

It doesn’t matter. Nothing matters anymore. I can’t even act like I care, or muster up the strength to cry. None of this does any good. I just need to get out. It’s been two years of therapy already and NOTHING has changed. I’m just going over and over the same concepts, memories, thoughts, ideas, etc. Why should I keep going? To waste time and money? To make myself more and more agitated and upset? Fuck this whole process. It’s a waste of time. It doesn’t mean anything. And I don’t mean anything to her. She talks about “the relationship” but there isn’t a “relationship.” It’s just been wishful thinking all along. She doesn’t care about me at all. She doesn’t care if I live or die. She will never care about me. No point in trying.

And what’s funny is the ONLY part of me that wants anything to do with her is the younger, child me. But fuck that part of me. Even my t says that my (stupid) “inner child” doesn’t know what’s in her best interest. So why should I act based on those feelings? Why should I keep going back to my t when the only part of me that wants to be there is the child me? That doesn’t make any sense… the child me isn’t the part of me that’s supposed to be making decisions. Fuck that kid. She doesn’t get to be in control. I’m not going back to therapy over and over and over for her.

I just want to be done. I don’t want to go back and pretend like my t cares and pretend like anything we talk about really matters. It doesn’t. Nothing changes. I’m the same as I’ve always been and I just need to work harder and get my shit done. I’m tired of making excuses. I’m tired of sucking at life and thinking “oh, it’s because my childhood sucked.” No, I suck at life because I suck at life. No other reason. I just need to stop sucking at life by trying harder. That’s all there is to it. Fuck therapy.

btw i called and cancelled all my future sessions.

-CT

CT,
I am so sorry you are struggling in such a difficult place. Sounds like that damn downward spiral that will not stop. It is not a fun place to be - I know.

I hope you can take in at least a little of what people here are telling you. That you DO MATTER - the adult you AND the child you - and neither of you are stupid!!!

It IS OK to complain and talk about how horrible things feel sometimes - and your T is giving you permission to do that with her. I think when it feels we aren't moving forward in therapy (and I think we still are and just don't see it) it is easy to get discouraged, and even more when we feel disconnected from our T's. It can set off feelings of abandonment for me at least. What if you went to her and told her you are feeling all of this? Your childhood was not your fault!!! The difficulty you are feeling now is because of the difficult early days and is not your fault!!! You are NOT a fuck-up!!! You are not making excuses!!! You do not suck at life!!! I know it feels that way right now, but those things are not true about you. Please don't give up on your therapy or yourself!!! The child you is very insightful - she knows what you need in order to heal and it sounds like she wants to continue therapy. The adult you sounds angry and frustrated and feeling all of the effects (feelings and coping techniques - not all so healthy) from that child being deeply hurt. Try to be gentle with all of you! (even if at times that just means not being mean)

I also wanted to say about the fax - It might be that your T was worried about your privacy when you fax something to her,because she said she barely got it. She may have just been asking you to let her know so that she can watch for it. Just a thought.

(((CT))) Wish I could make it go away! Keep writing!!

{{{{{{{{{{CT}}}}}}}}}}}

You sound majorly angry right now. I vehemently disagree with the things you said about yourself, but I'm pretty sure you couldn't care less right now. I have no idea what I can say that could possibly help, but I just wanted to respond with something...maybe just to let you know that I hear you. Probably because I rage at myself like this on a regular basis and lately I've been doing it again. So much of what you said is SO familiar. I've written it down on paper, but can only speak a little of it before someone tries to contradict me. And when I am in that place there is NO helping me, because I know I'm right...if someone tries to contradict the little bit I do speak, it's just because they don't know me well enough to know any better...they really just don't understand. I called it my "wet puppy syndrome" in another thread. It's as if I'm so angry at myself I start shivering, snarling, and snapping, mostly at myself, but also at anyone who tries to help. It is spectacularly effective at pushing people away and that's exactly what I want to do when I feel like that.

I really appreciate your honesty in posting this, and I'm glad you're still posting, even though you've given up on therapy. Thank you for still being here, and I hope you still keep posting...I would really miss you if you stopped posting altogether.

SG

((((CT)))) sorry you are in such pain and so angry at therapy and life in general. I know the pain too...and it sucks. I do hear you and I wish I could help you.

I know when I start that downward spiral I end up in my "black hole" and I feel like no one should be near me. In fact, I think what I do is to push people away from me ... especially the ones who mean the most to me as a way of punishing myself because all the self-hate kicks in when I'm like that. I sit and ruminate over all the faults I have, all the damage and grief and anger and the feeling of futility at trying to change things. It starts to get so unbearable that I want to disappear from the world because I am not fit to inhabit it. So I do understand but...

I have to disagree with how you feel that therapy does nothing for you...I think it does. You managed to avoid cutting, which is huge. You have been able to reach out to us here on the board and talk about your feelings and vent. You are able to recognize and explore those feelings. That is all progress you are making in therapy. And I know it seems that we are barely moving a hair but we are changing in therapy and you are too. I can see it in you. And it's okay to sometimes have sessions or a run of sessions where you just sit and talk or even complain about stuff. Maybe you are not feeling like you can go so deep because you need to take a pause and reevaluate the safety of the situation with your T and the strength of the relationship before you proceed with the more difficult work. I do this all the time. It's very difficult to sustain weeks and weeks of deep therapy without taking a break.

I hope once you have taken some time you will re-evaluate therapy and you will decide to return. I think you have a good T and she will understand. In the meantime, please be good to yourself both the adult and the sad child. And keep talking to us here because we understand.

Lastly, about the fax, I agree that your T was afraid your letter could fall into someone's else's hands and that your privacy would be compromised and that is why she wants a heads-up before you fax her anything. She is trying to protect you.

We are here for you,
TN

((((((((CT))))))))

It's difficult to hear how much pain you're in, but I'm so glad that you came here to express yourself. Thank you for your honesty.

Feeling that you're worthless and hopeless and a complete screw up is a horrible way to feel. Of course you're thinking of dying, it's probably looking like a good way out right now.

I am wondering if these feelings aren't about here and now but are memories of how you felt as a child? It would help explain how dark and overwhelming they're feeling. And I know you are convinced that your T could give a damn but I also wonder if you're not seeing her through the prism of your past, where the people who should have cared for you didn't.

I hope you can find your way out of this abyss before too long. Please know we're here for you in any way we can be.

AG

quote:

Your T may have meant when she said that your little child does not know what is in her best interest, that she needs to be taken care of by an adult?

Nicely put, BB! CT, it's true that our inner children probably aren't the best at running the show...but that certainly doesn't mean we should starve them or deprive them of the love and caring that they need. I can really understand your wanting to, though. I think AG is totally right on in saying this sounds like an old coping mechanism from childhood, where we decide not to have needs because trying to get them met has resulted in so much pain and disappointment. It's like taking that little girl and locking her away in a closet and trying to ignore her cries...or yelling at her to shut up. Hey, wait a minute...didn't you post a thread about that once? Sorry but I'm in a hurry right now so I can't go back and look for the thread, but I could swear that was you. Anyway I've done that all my life, and I think I'm older than you so I've tried it longer and it still hasn't worked.

Even if you can't respond right now, please just take this in and hang on. I really do believe that your T cares for you deeply. And so do we.

SG

((((CT))))

I am sorry things feel so bad right now. I tried to pull out a quote to tell you how much you words resonated with me but I couldn't pick out any one part. Thank you for expressing so clearly what I feel as well. I know there is nothing I can say that would make a difference but I wanted you to know that you helped me identify my feelings.

hi everyone. thanks for all the insightful, caring responses. I can't really digest them right now... just really.... out of it. i know you all are making sense, but I can't make any of it personal. after all... you all don't really KNOW ME .

I've been strangely calm today... upset still, but withdrawn I guess. I haven't reached out to my t, and I haven't gone this long without knowing when I'll see her next in over two years. It's strange to think that I don't have an appt scheduled with her... in my head I want to call her for help, but at the same time, I don't want to. I feel like calling her at this point would be.... humiliating. I don't know what to do... I just feel so depressed.

But it helps to come here. So thanks.

-CT

CT

I am so so sorry to read your distress - so much in your head, so many conflicting emotions, so much hurt.

CT you'll probably not want to hear this, but trust your head and call for help. You have little to lose and maybe so much to gain. The humiliation will be hard to swallow - we all want to manage ourselves - but your T sounds like in amongst all that has gone on, that she cares for you and has your best interests at heart. She probably won't contact you - they don't normally once you've decided to terminate - but she might be really hoping that you might, if only to offer an explanation.

CT forgive me if I've said anything out of turn. You will get support here I know, whatever you decide. Loook after yourself whilst things are so hard.

starfish

hey all... just an update... I called my t. told her I think I'm done throwing my tantrum and that I'd like to make an appt if she'll have me. Told her that this whole notion of "quitting therapy to focus on other things" doesn't really work because all I've been thinking about is therapy.

I still don't really know what's thrown me for a loop so bad... it all feels terribly preverbal... just want to cry and scream and kick things... don't have any words to say anything or even describe feelings. I'm just one huge mass of chaos. What I do know though is that if I really want to figure out what the fuck is going on, I'll need my t's help.

I'm nervous now... hoping my t won't be angry, hoping she'll be able to see me soon, hoping she hasn't given my appointment slot away already (that will really bother me if she has... I mean, I know i cancelled and she has every right to give away my time, but I'd like to think that she'd give me a day or two, you know?)... wondering wtf I'll say to her when I see her next, if it'll be akward, etc..

I HAVE to go and do some homework for school... have three assignments to do!! MUST FOCUS ON FOCUSING!!! But thanks again for all your help everyone. You all are the only people who know how I've been struggling lately... haven't even told my husband... haven't been able to. Thanks so much.

-CT

quote:

MUST FOCUS ON FOCUSING!!!

LOL! It's good to have you back, CT. So glad to hear you called your T, too. Good luck with your assignments, and I hope you hear from your T soon. I'm sure she was glad to hear from you.

SG

Dittos!!! Glad you called, bravest choice you could have made. So take that, i called you brave! Nah nah nah nah nah nah!

Well..... I've got a session in the morning... consider me thoroughly nervous and freaked out!! I have no clue what I'm going to say to my t... all she said on the phone today was "I have not done anything with your slot, so unless I hear otherwise, I'll see you in the morning."

..... I'm still so confused about what I was upset about, how am I supposed to explain it to my t? I don't even know what happened. What am I supposed to say... "so....... how was your weekend?" I mean, I completely lost it and now I'm supposed to go in there and talk to her like I'm not some total basket case?!? I'm spazzing about this already, and what makes it worse is that I've got a research paper to write tonight... that's due tomorrow... and I haven't even started yet! I don't have time to think about therapy before my appointment! I'll probably just end up going in there and staring at the floor again... fuck fuck fuck fuck.... I want to see her but I don't want her to be upset by me... and she's probably extremely confused by my recent actions... we'll just both be sitting there, confused as ever... I'm starting to remember why I cancelled in the first place.

-CT *waves goodbye as she spins further into the OMG WTF cycle......

Hi CT,

From what you describe, it doesn't sound like your T is upset or confused with you at all. I really love that she didn't do anything with your time slot. I wonder if she suspected and even hoped all along that you'd bounce back, and still want the appointment?

That being said, you are probably right that she will want to look at what happened and why. But you are not on your own, you don't somehow "owe" her an explanation to be right with her (at least I hope not!). Because you haven't done anything wrong! If I may don my "armchair T" hat for a moment , it sounds like you got angry and shut down, probably as a defense, and defenses are usually there because we're scared. And I would really, really hope that your T is going to help you find out what scared you, and maybe take a look at how you cope when you're scared, and how that was helpful in the past and how it's helpful (or not helpful) now. (now removing armchair T hat ) Do you see how you really have nothing to feel apologetic for? You were (and are) incredibly honest and that is EXACTLY what you are supposed to do! Your T can't help you heal your brokenness if you won't show it to her. In the past, opening up brought bad consequences...which is probably why you feel like you've done something wrong...but it is exactly what is needed now.

You said you can't remember why you shut down like that. Maybe it would be helpful to bring to session the posts you made while you were in that place?

I hope that tomorrow your T behaves as unruffled as she appears to be, and that she looks at what happened, and also at how you're feeling about it now, and sees it all as a really great opportunity to help you understand a little better what makes you "tick".

SG

((((CT)))) I'm so glad to hear that you decided to go ahead and call your T for your appointment back. That is another strong sign of your progress in therapy. I know it was not easy but you had the strength to go ahead and do it. When we want to run from our Ts sometimes it's because there is something scary or painful percolating beneath the surface and we go into avoidance mode... finding any and all reasons for leaving therapy. But I think that you realize that therapy and being with your T is the best/safest place for you to sit and look at the feelings you are having now.

Another thing, you don't need to go to session having all the answers or clear cut reasons for why you do something or behave a certain way... or even a clear focus of what you need to talk about. You don't have to figure this out alone beforehand... this is something that your T can help you with and part of why we go to therapy... so we are not left alone with the feelings (as we were when we were children). We now have a trusted, stronger other to help us with these things. Just go in tomorrow and tell your T that you have no idea what has been going on or why you are feeling like this and you need her to help you figure it out.

Lastly, I'm in school too and I understand really well how hard it can be to have to focus on writing a paper when your mind is all over the place and you are struggling with therapy issues. I clearly remember one Thursday night when I had an assignment due and I had a gosh-awful half session with my T which had me in pieces when I got home. I sent him an emergency text and he called me back and I sobbed on the phone with him for 10 minutes before he could calm me down. Once he did I was able to take a deep breath and write the assignment.

So put therapy out of your head for a bit, knowing that your T saved your slot for you and worry about tomorrow.... well tomorrow!

And please come back and let us know how it goes for you. I'll be thinking of you. Good Luck!

TN

Weellllllll...... **pauses for effect**..........

I'm still alive! I made it through my session today- YAY! Before I get into the blow-by-blow, I just want to thank you all again for your amazing support of me lately. It has been absolutely crucial for me, and while I probably won't find time in the coming days to respond to you all individually, i want you ALL to know how much I appreciate your responses to me. Thank you so much... now for the nitty gritty...

So, I walked into the session and did my normal "please let me disappear into the couch so she can't see me" thing... she asked what's been going on, and I said, "ugh, I'm tired..." and kinda sunk further into the couch... she goes, "nope, you aren't getting away with that today!" (meaning she was not going to let me silently get by without participating much due to the week I've had). I told her I was up late (til 4am!) writing my research paper on selective mutism and yadda yadda yadda... then when I finished, she goes "and still my question is what's been going on?" lol. I just smiled in that cheshire cat kind of way because I knew what she wanted to know and she KNEW i was avoiding it... I kinda like the chase sometimes.

BUT I gave in and got serious and told her that I didn't really know what had been going on, etc. She did some fact gathering, asking me questions, and we talked for a bit about my expectations for myself, and how they really aren't all that reasonable, and that I'm really not that good at estimating my time (or estimating in general really). i have a terrible time applying logic and reason to myself, and for some reason, think that either I AM or SHOULD BE the exception to damn near every rule (some people can't make it work? well I should be able to because I'm me!!)

She asked how work had been going... a recent stressor, and I told her ok. She asked how I was dealing with a transition to receiving help (had to hire someone to help me with my workload) and I said "I kinda have to be okay with it." She told me she was more interested in the feeling beneath that, about what I was having to cover up in order to get my job done. I told her, when I stop and think about it, that having to hire help makes me feel less valuable as a person, like I don't have much to offer and that I feel less important. I know I'm not supposed to base my worth on those things, but I secretly do and always have, and really take pride in the fact that I bust my ass to go above and beyond what's necessary to meet people where they are. In fact, sharing a workload is hard for me because I depend on pressure to motivate me most times. I don't know what I'll do if I don't feel impending doom on the other side of me (ie the research paper i started last night that was due tonight!)

My t then asked if this stuff with work had been a big part of what went on with me over the weekend, and I told her it had indeed played into it. From there she asked what it had "touched on" that effected me, and I told her that I wasnt sure. That I just knew that what we hit was big and old (meaning something from my past). Of course she was intrigued by this (I call it a t'gasm- lol- because I think my t loves the moments where she can dive into hyper analytical/analogy mode). She asked what made me think it was old, and if/how it felt familiar. I told her it felt old because I had no words... I just wanted to kick things and scream and cry. That the feelings of being overwhelmed, inadequate, angry, upset and alone felt very familiar.... feeling like I can't do enough to make everything okay...

Well hello reenactment from my past! SHEESH! My t chimed in here, saying that she thinks what got recreated for me (in a perfect storm of situations and dynamics), was an early (perhaps the first) attempt and subsiquent failure to take care of my mother's needs. She suggested that I was somewhere around the age of three (given the way I wanted to act out and throw a fit), but I think I might have even been younger than that.

She then of course told me that it was never my job to take care of my mother, and it should have been all about MY needs, not my moms, that I never should have had to worry about my mom like I did. And she said of course I failed then because it was impossible for me to succeed at taking care of my mother... that my tasks in life now aren't as impossible as they were then, but I have a way of making them SEEM impossible.

Then, for some reason, this image came to mind... something that feels like it's been around forever, but not something I was conscious of before today... as i told her, I had this image in my head, of a baby- i guess me- being in a crib, standing up and holding the bars (like a prisoner)... just pulling and shaking the bars, unable to get out, noticably upset... but there was this thought attached too, it's the strangest thing... the thought was that mom was off taking care of herself, and when SHE WAS READY and done meeting her own needs, she would come tend to me... that no matter how hard I tried, I was second and had to wait indefinitely. It was this awful sense that my urgency and emotions simply didn't matter at all... I was on her time table, no matter what.

I was hesitant to call this a memory, because it was out of bodyish and not like my other memories, but t said it qualified, as did my stringent emotional reaction this past weekend. I guess I just struggle with the concept that I can remember something but not know what I'm remembering (lol... I don't doubt it, just that I don't have experience with it).

After this, it got kinda quiet and my t just looked at me and said "I'm glad you're back." I asked her if she was SURE she was glad and she said yes, and I asked if she had kinda felt relieved when I called and quit. She goes, "not at all. it doesn't work that way. you didn't see me calling you up and wishing you luck on your way did you?" I said, "not even just a little bit of relief?" and she said "nope, not even a little, although I did feel a little baffled because I didn't know what was going on." Then she asked if I cut and I said no and she said she was really glad that I hadn't... that I should be really proud of myself because that's a pretty big deal... i told her that when I was REALLY upset, I did google effective ways to kill one's self... she asked if I was still considering that and I told her no... she said good.

It was really nice to be "back" today, although I didn't even miss a session! It felt like I went home though, and I felt safe and cared for again. It made me want to be nice to myself again... not angry and mean... and I really want to work through that image in my head of me stuck in the crib, crying, in need of something...... I want to go pick me up and hold me, because that's what should have happened... that's what my t would have done for me if she had been my mother, and that's what I will do for my child one day.

I guess that's it for now... thanks for reading. I'm soooo sleepy, and still have more to ponder... maybe I'll save some for tomorrow! It was such a nice session today... and one of the few times that I've gone in and worked WITH my t to figure out a current issue (like TN said, I'm usually one who tries to figure things out before hand). But it was so comforting to have her meet me where i was and be with me.

-CT

CT - I am so glad your session went so well. You are probably so relieved! Good for you!

Smiley