Skip to main content

The PsychCafe
Share, connect, and learn.

Replies sorted oldest to newest

It's because of the ***'s my dear, they exceed the maximum characters for the table size horizontally. The computer sees it as one really huge word (because there aren't spaces) and doesn't want to break it up.

Thank you for posting this... I often fail to explore my emotional neglect, and minimize... just like it says.
It took me a while to figure out what you meant by ***'s though - I thought you were censoring a rude word and I couldn't figure it out...

I was thinking the same thing LOL.

Monte...thanks for posting the article and the link. I have read Pete Walker before and have actually linked other articles by him on the Board. I like the way he writes in easy to understand terms. I have never read this one before and WOW is it timely for me. I had a bad meltdown last night over being triggered by T's wife being at T's office suite this week and his comment of last week about playing with her not me. This article explains to some degree why even seeing her car in the parking lot sets off warning bells and sirens for me. While I have had all kinds of abuse from various people, it was likely mom's emotional neglect that has been so incredibly damaging and so hard to work through. It contaminates all parts of my life.

Hugs to all who are working through this very difficult issue.

Wow, thank you so much for posting this, Monte.

I cannot say that I was abused in any way, and I definitely wasn't emotionally abused. But, because of my family's situation, I wasn't attended to, emotionally. My emotional needs were never addressed or acknowledged. So I guess in a way I was emotionally neglected, but it was unintentional. Still, I bear the effects of it. What has been so difficult though is to actually accept this. Accept that it was a big deal. I should have been attended to. And it does matter.

I minimize what happened and then I feel SO MUCH shame when I can't seem to stop emotionally suffering. I wasn't actively abused. Why am I still so affected? I read here and feel so much for all the people who have truly suffered from horrible acts of abuse. All the while minimizing my own experiences. Reading this helps to take away one layer of shame. There's still many more layers to go but this has helped me see that emotional neglect (no matter how unintentional) IS a big deal. Maybe almost as big as active abuse (I apologize if I'm minimizing anyone's experience with active abuse..I'm not intending to do that..I completely realize how any abuse is horrible).

At my core, I feel I'm unworthy, unlovable, unimportant, too needy and too annoying. I am constantly on hyperalert to occasions when I could possible be perceived as annoying, needy. I keep myself away from being dependent on someone. I know this stems from never being attended to, never being able to process what was happening in my family, never being important enough and not wanting to be annoying and take resources away from my sick brother. This is so shameful and so hard to work through. The whole concept of therapy and the therapeutic relationship has brought up everything I've been trying to avoid my whole life. I've been with my T for almost 3 years and I struggle almost every session with so much shame. For me, shame is the worst possible emotion to sit with. I don't know how to get through this. I just tried to ask my T to take a break last week, but she encouraged me to work through it. The shame is so much though.

Anyway, this was a ramble, but therapeutic for me to write out. So, thank you Monte for posting this and giving me space to post my reaction!
Monte that was great timing so thanks for posting that!

I know the emotional neglect played a part in my life but somehow I tend to ignore it in a way - down play it and it's importance, I mean it seems there are so many other traumas that caused me to be the way I am but its true the emotional neglect undoubtedly impacted on the affects of those trauma's. I just feel like that article explains me so thoroughly.

Hi Monte, thank you for posting this!
And thank you so much, Erica, for your reply.
I could have written the exact same words. I often feel like I'm not entitled to the pain I feel because, as was the case with you, I was not actively abused. So for many, many years, I kept my suffering buried and told myself I was weak, overreacting and full of selfpity. Last year, in a conversation with my GP and homeopath, her questioning about my family background led her to exclaim "but you suffered a terrible lack of maternal love". Hearing that somehow validated my lifelong feelings of emotional neglect and all the shame and feelings of being unlovable, unimportant, too needy etc, even repulsive. My mother was exhausted and extremely unhappy by the time I came along. I was her sixth pregnancy, my father was unfaithful and violent and on top of that she lost her mother two months before I was born. My father left her and his children when I was four and died when I was nine. It is extremely difficult to acknowledge and accept that she did not give me the care and attention I needed, as she herself was a victim of circumstances. But as you so wisely stated: I too should have been attended to and it do matter. Letting that trickle down, has been a healing experience. Having those early needs acknowledged and to a certain extent met by my invaluable T, has for the first time in my life, instilled me with a sense that I do matter. Emotional neglect, intentional or not, can wreak havoc in a child.
Thank you so much Erica, for your couragous words.
Thank you Monte for posting this.
As a survivor of emotional neglect/abandonment plus more overt forms of abuse, I can say there are places in me the emotional deprivation has caused more damage than direct abuse. So for those of you who might feel guilty, confused or ashamed, neglect IS a really big deal and the ramifications are just as damaging, if not more so in some capacities, as overt abuse.

Secondly as this is the science forum, I am in the process of writing up a thesis paper for my psych degree which is on childhood emotional invalidation and eating disorders. And from the results I've pulled out, traumatic interpersonal encounters of a more subtle nature were prevalent across all the eating disorder groups (binge eating, bulimia, restrictive anorexia and anorexia/bulimia). I guess it shows that this stuff is serious and does lead to legitimate problems in later life.
aww thanks Shaman for your words! I'm sorry you can relate and have felt the shame that comes from these experiences. Thanks for reading and relating. ((Shaman))

And thanks GE for validating me and my experiences. I sometimes worry how I come across to people like yourself who have shared such great tragedies. But it helps to know you aren't invalidating me at all. Thanks for that! And hugs to you for your arduous journey to healing.
turtles, I'm sure Monte did not delete because of anything you said and please don't take this personally. Sometimes she needs a break and feels overexposed and she deletes. She is taking care of herself and I have high hopes she will be back as she has done this in the past. Her wise voice and insightful posts are sorely missed by me and others.

Hugs to ((((turtle))))
and to (((((Monte)))))


Add Reply

Link copied to your clipboard.