My T has canceled my last three sessions with him because of problems with his back. He canceled two sessions last month because of illness, another session in December because of illness, several sessions in October and November so he could attend training, and so on and so on. All told, he cancels about 20% of our sessions. The longest we've gone without a cancellation has been about 3 months.
I don't know what I should do. I feel like I really need him to be consistent, but he's not. I can't rely on him. Each time he cancels it feels like a physical blow to me. I also feel like I can't really get angry about the cancellations because they aren't his "fault". And I also feel really sad for my T when he is sick or hurting. I know he isn't choosing to feel like that.
We did have a big rupture last fall when he was cancelling sessions to attend training (beyond the CE credits needed to keep his license), because I felt like he was choosing that. After several horrible sessions of fighting, he mentioned that he was taking the additional training to be better trained in treating complex trauma, so that he could help me more. I felt so ashamed at my behavior. The rupture never really got repaired, we just eventually moved on.
It's easy to say from the outside that I should find another T, but so hard to actually think about doing that. I think my T is really special, and I don't want another T. But I know that if I stay with my T, I am going to have to find a way to be OK when he cancels, or I am just going to keep getting hurt.