Hey Draggles -

It's tricky to understand for me too. I think the deal sometimes is that subconsciously they DO feel great shame and guilt, but it's really dangerous to them, feels unsurvivable, so they have learned a way of keeping it away. I suspect it feels unsurvivable sometimes because the shame and guilt underneath comes from abusive dynamics they have lived through so it's out of proportion, irrational, threatening and all sorts of bad stuff.

Mostly I'm good with apologising when I realise I've done wrong but for ages with my H neither of us could sincerely apologise for or see the ways we hurt each other, it was too complicated and far too painful. It felt like I'd be apologising for him hurting me, because I just could not see that I had also hurt him, intentionally or not. I think a calm and sincere apology with responsibility feels a bit different than a knee-jerk automatic guilt one, and it can be so hard to get to when you feel wounded yourself.

Now I've learned that when we're in a fight, no matter how sure I am that I'm right and he's wrong, there's always some part of the fight that I'm responsible for and can own and say sorry for (when I've calmed down a bit). That seems to unlock the path to peace pretty much every time.