I am so sorry that you still feel such a dilemma, but it takes time to work through the shock of this big thing that just came down and seemingly hit you out of nowhere. And the more you educate yourself and realize that you can trust your T and that he will not violate his professional boundaries the more at ease you will become.
I don’t know if this is true in your area, but around here we have HIPPA law that prevents a health care provider from sharing ANY information with anyone else even other healthcare providers unless you sign a specific release. And even if you are dealing w/ his colleagues they cannot and should not share information w/o your consent. Anyway, I seriously doubt that your T would share the transference information w/ the other docs since this is not anything they’d even need to know. But I certainly understand your fears and I would even discuss this with your T.
My husband was not all for me entering therapy in the beginning. He had a bad attitude that therapists mess with people’s heads and his ex-mother-in-law is a psychologist and a total wack job herself. But he has watched the transformation in me over the last 2 years and thinks my T is doing a great job and he respects her immensely. Even though he does not understand the whole transference thing he does not feel threatened by it. On the other hand he did say he might feel a lot different if my T were a male. But frankly, keeping your hubby in the dark is going to raise more suspicions of their own. I believe that honest open dialogue w/ our spouses is of utmost importance so you don’t go around acting and feeling that you have something to hide: Though I understand maybe not sharing the sexual attraction with him at first, especially if there are some insecurities going on with him right now. I would start with a more simple explanation as to how it relates directly to your parents and filling the void they left in you so that you can heal. I even printed out Shrinklady’s page on it for my husband to read. When I asked my T how I should go about educating my husband she told me that “you can’t explain transference if you don’t understand it yourself.” Once you get a handle on it, then try to educate your husband in a manner that he will (hopefully) understand. In my opinion, if someone is looking for reason to be suspicious they will find anything whether legitimately or not.
You say your husband would never forgive you. Forgive you for what? Transference is not infidelity. It does not lead to infidelity-not if you have a good T. It has a lot less to do with our sexual desire than you feel right now, and that will calm down as you begin to work through the true nature behind the transference. Meanwhile, as much as you admire your T, focus on your husband. Don’t focus on ways that you feel your T may seem superior to your husband, instead focus on your husband’s positive qualities and what you love about him, he is bound to pick up on those signals.
You said that you see a lot of doctors, especially neurologists, so I wonder if exercising and working out with your husband is an interest that you can share or if you are limited in that capacity? If not, find something that the two of you can share together and join him in his quest in taking better care of yourselves. (Not to say that you already don’t- It is hard to get a grasp on a situation I know nothing about.) All this being said, I hope I have not stepped on your toes. I'm at a bit of a disadvantage to truly advise you when I don’t really know you or your circumstances. So please understand that my advice is free and you can take it or leave it, but it is meant with good intentions.
Feel free to tell me that I totally missed it if I did.
JM