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Reply to "Toxic friendships"

quote:
Not only that, at some level, we are all connected and it KILLS me to turn my back on someone because I know how disconnected I have felt and how painful it is.


I found this statement particularly striking because I wonder if many of us cross the line from empathy to projection. Empathy is vital for being a decent human being and for treating others how we'd like to be treated. However, I think it is too easy to ASSUME that other people feel just like us or are in the same situations for the same reasons.

For example, the toxic friend says, "I'm lonely." Ok, why? If he or she is lonely because of relationship difficulties stemming from past trauma, that's one thing. But if they're lonely because they're a selfish, insufferable a-hole, then maybe their loneliness is justified.

This is where having good boundaries is so important. You have to lay out in your mind exactly what you want from your friendships and what you're willing to do in return - and then state it aloud. Healthy relationships involve give AND take. If you're giving but never getting, you're on the road to burnout. (This is indeed a tough lesson to learn by experience.)

Keep in mind, too, that toxic people are almost always manipulative and very resistant to change. They'll say things like "I'm lonely" just to get attention and sympathy, whether it's true or not. Good boundaries will help you discern the difference. People who can't respect your boundaries are not friends. They don't want friends. They want servants.

As our T's show us, keeping good boundaries can help people change. Indulging dysfunction and bad attitudes just enables more poor behavior. So you might assuage some of your guilt by hanging out with a toxic person, but you probably aren't doing them (or yourself) any favors.

Just something to think about. Smiler
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