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the pain of attachment

Hi everyone!

I'm really struggling with the concept of attachment. Every time I think about actually attaching to my therapist, I get a feeling like someone is running a hot knife through my internal organs. It feels like just uttering the word in session would kill me.

I've opened up to my T about so, so much: ET, CSA, SI, my shame and sexuality...but this feels like a whole other level of...something.

I don't know if I can do it.

I went to session yesterday and told T I was blank. I didn't know what to talk about. But then I got started on some here-and-now topics about my crazy life and my (very legitimate) fears of managing it in the near future. After we spent the entire session talking through it, he said, "Well, that was good, but maybe next time you'll tell me what's really on your mind."

Ugh. The bugger is too damn clever.

Does anyone have any experience with working through this kind of attachment angst? Did you get to the other side? I really need some direction.
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