I kinda suspected what you said - that it's a helix with a loop going around and around... Guess I was hopeful it might be different though, Cos it's impossible to see how much deeper and more painful things can get - it's so up and down.
I can be doing ok, then thrown into deep pain ... Come out the other side, feeling better and feeling I've made progress - only for the next round of pain to be deeper still.
Since yesterday I'm really really struggling to hold onto hope that things will EVER get better
Just passed a major trigger each year (anniversary of my mothers death - I saw her die when I was 10 - sudden and violent fatal heart attack as I walked into her room). I got through that quite ok - even had a pretty good day! But now, my mood has been slipping deeper and deeper into an abyss.
I'm struggling to 'feel connected' to my T - right when I could really really do with feeling more connected. I know I 'ought' to hold onto more than my connection with her to keep me going, but it's not how I'm feeling right now. Sometimes when things are feeling really hope-less, my once a week contact with her shines in the dark like a far away beacon of hope - but right now, I can't even see a ray of her light. She feels so far away it's like she's not there at all
I ache so much for our 'one hour' this afternoon to help me FEEL a connection STEONG enough to help me through the next week. I arrive to see her feeling already sad that the one hour is passing me by with every passing minute. And suddenly, there's just 10 mins to go and that's it. Nothing for another whole week
Whenever I think of seeing my T I get waves of flashbacks from childhood. It's hideous. It's like living with one foot not really in the now, and most if me living in the past [***WARNING - TRIGGER MENTIONS SU AS A CHILD ***] - where life was so unbearable as a young girl I did actually try to take my life (really thought I could put my head under the water when I was in the bath and simply not come up again - the relief I felt T the idea of being able to escape was so huge - and the depression once it failed and I realised I had NO ESCAPE was so suffocating
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