quote:

But I really wanted to answer, "When I look in your eyes, I see everything that you promise but will not give me. I see everything I cannot have."

Wow does this resonate with me and I can feel exactly what you feel. I am so sorry for your pain Affinity. It is very difficult to feel so raw and for T to seem to be withholding from you. I can understand his email policy but I don't agree with it. I think what you need from him is not long discussions and trying to do therapy via email... you need connection. You need a quick check in to know he is still there. I do this with T. I rarely email any processing stuff but tell him I need to feel him there and/or I am scared he has gone away.

I am very pleased to hear you can now go back to twice a week sessions. I have this now and it's very helpful. I don't think I could make it through a full week. When T goes on vacation I'm usually a numb mess. So I think that you will feel more connected and contained with two weekly sessions.

As for calling.... I find it helpful to know that that when I need T he is willing to be there to respond. I was difficult in the beginning to make that call but as time went on and he was consistent about responding and never punishing for my reaching out... it just got easier to call and it was good experience for asking for what I needed. In the beginning I was so tongue tied I would actually write down what I wanted to say to T and then read it to him. Our calls are rarely more than 5-7 minutes long and are between patients so I know to keep it short.

It's so hard to have some of what you need. It just makes you more aware of what you missed out on as a child. It's a painful place to dwell. I hope you can keep this conversation going with T and find some peace with the feelings.

Hugs to you
TN