(((Affinity))) I think you are coming to the most painful place in therapy. The point at which we recognize that while our T genuinely cares for us, they still cannot give us what we so deeply long for. They can give us enough to heal us and let us go forward but not enough to make the deep losses of our childhood disappear. I don't think where the boundaries are placed is really the problem, it's just that running into the boundaries is what makes us aware of our loss.

I once told my T that while I was incredibly grateful for what he does for me that at times I hate him because being in relationship with him is what made me aware if my loss. For me, facing those losses was one of the most difficult and painful things I have ever done, but it was essential to my healing. And this time I didn't have to do it alone, I had my T with me to help me through the grief.

I know it feels impossible to talk about but it's really important that you talk about these feelings. The healing takes place when we experience the feelings in the moment while attended to by a caring other (I suspect this is why your T insists in not using writing too much).

I hear so much that resonates with me in what you say. I hated calling because it meant I was reaching out and expressing a need. I also have waded through so much shame to express what I was feeling. But my T has so consistently met me with care and compassion and normalized my feelings. The only way to work through shame is to be vulnerable enough to speak about it to someone safe (from everything you've said about your T, he sounds very safe). It's so difficult because shame is telling us to do the complete opposite.

You may be too raw right now, but when you feel up for it my posts "Therapy isn't enough" and "Identifying and Expressing Needs" are a more detailed exposition of what I said here.

All that said, I am so sorry for your loss and your pain, I know it feels absolutely intolerable. It does get better.

AG