Thanks for the hugs. I've been working with my T for about 8 months now. The reason I have stayed with him is that he is a highly experienced, caring T, and we seemed to have a nearly instant connection. Transference came up early and strong.
About the email...My T said he allowed email once upon a time and it just never seemed to work out well for anybody. He said it got to a point where he was doing therapy by email, and he didn't feel that was healthy for clients. His clients' anxiety over how the email would be received and the chance that his response would be misinterpreted were both pretty high. So he just decided after a time that he wouldn't allow clients to email him anymore. Plus, he says the boundary is helpful for his own self-care.
I can write stuff out on paper or in my journal and take it to session if something seems too difficult to talk about. I've done that several times with my T's blessing. But it still limits my contact with him to in session only. I can write stuff down, but I know I'll have to wait x number of days before I can share the thought. And with being in front of him, there's no buffer for my vulnerability.
I'm a writer by profession, so I communicate best through writing. Yet my T seems determined to prod me into spontaneous verbal disclosure. In some ways, it's probably good for me. However, I'm not nearly as eloquent when speaking; there are a lot of fits, starts and long pauses. I honestly think what he's doing is reading my emotions through my body language; without that, maybe he's out to sea.
(((Monte)))
My T said that whenever I get agitated, I could call him between sessions, with the expectation that the call would be under 10 minutes. He said if it was an issue that needed a longer response, he could work me in for an extra appointment by the next day. At one time, we were doing 2 sessions a week and had to go to one because of finances. Now that I have met my insurance deductible for the year, I can afford to go back to 2 sessions--which will begin next week.
But, OMG, I HATE calling people, especially my T. I just feel like a massive idiot. The reason I wrote him the email in the first place is because I knew that with my endless stammering, it would have taken more than 10 minutes to get through.
And the worst part is, I can't bring myself to explain any of this to my T. I can't. It kicks up an unbearable amount of shame and pain. The one time I asked him to consider touch and he said "no," I thought I would die. Why ask for anything or stand up for myself if it's not going to change anything? It's my f**king life all over again. Seriously.
Forgive me. I'm just sad and angry and...effed.