Good Morning Everyone,

I apologize if my post or the content in it was triggering for anyone. I can understand that this is a "hot topic" for you ElizaJ and that the mistreatment you received was in itself very traumatic for you. When I was still in my mid teens a psychologist abruptly dropped me from treatment stating that I had yet another personality disorder (histrionic personality disorder). I guess she didn't know that personality is not fully formed until we are 18 therefore it is negligable to diagnosis someone at the age of 16 with a personality disorder. THAT has been my hot button for many many years as I was abandoned by my first T who I sought out because she was the top "expert" in my area in eating disorders for which I was seeking treatment for at the time.

I definately own to having borderline traits come roaring out in certain relationships and only with certain women that seem to trigger off those personality traits. I totally own it, but I reject the notion that it is a pervasive way of being for me. I have plenty of close intact, healthy relationships where I do not feel the need or the compulsion to act out to get my needs met, with some other women my brain is just wired to act like an ass and it seems to beyond my control. I can't even say that I act like an ass. I act like a needy, dependent, approval seeking, craving of love and attention child and I will do most anything to get that attention. I will act out by text bombing, phone calling, telling the person off, screaming, crying, withdrawing, shutting down, acting on my ED. My thinking regarding that person goes to black and white and as my frustration level mounts for not getting those needs met I freak and become very emotionally disregulated. I believe it is trauma based and I believe I do indeed act borderline in certain relationships with certain women which is something I really need to address. I don't think it is possible to do that with the woman (T) that I am having such strong emotion evoked from or tied to.

Do I in any way want to be needy, dependent, clingy, raging, spinning person.... HELL NO! Am I that kind of person in my other relationships HELL NO! It is embarrassing and confusing for me and alot of shame attached.

I understand your pain ElizaJ... alot of practitioners here in the states don't even want to deal with borderline clients because the client is viewed as manipulative, attention seeking, a liar and delusional and in my opinion discount half of what the client says as rubbish. I think it is a poorly understood personality disorder and really needs to be addressed with much more compassion. I did once ask my T if she failed to love me or be warm to me because it was contraindicated for someone with borderline personality disorder... to which I never received an answer.

I am so glad ElizaJ that you are with a T that you feel a sense of trust with and who is able to treat your true diagnosis giving you the treatment and relief you need and deserve.

Whatever I am or whatever I have, whatever the diagnosis will be.... I KNOW what thoughts and behaviors need addressing and regardless of where they stem from, they must be addressed to bring me relief. My desire is to have a healthy balanced, non attention seeking relationship with the T I just departed from. I want to work on modifying those behaviors and find the maladaptive ones unecessary in that therapuetic relationship but I can't do it with her because I can't see past my emotions with her.

With my former psychologist I have the ability to detach from my emotions, examine my motives and work on correcting the behavior. I truly respect and value her as a person and as a professional and have a strong desire practicing having a healthy relationship, alliance or collaboration with her. SHE means something to me.

It is so embarrassing to own this but I am going to own it here because I feel safe doing it and I know that everyone here values honesty and introspection because we are all in therapy or have been in therapy, but the main thing that pushed me over the edge with this T was what I did to her last week and how I felt doing it. Last week when I really thought I was dying and I was reaching out to her and she ignored me, I purposely and with the intention of adding annoyance to her day text bombed her 62 times in one day and called her and left 5 nasty messages. I did it with the intention of pissing her off and intruding in on her day because I felt like I wasn't getting the attention I needed. Though T did not admonish me for the behavior, I felt so remorseful because I do love this woman and I do not want to intentionally ever act in a way to hurt her, and though she says I didn't... it was my INTENTION! There is something clearly wrong with that kind of behavior and if I don't rein it in, I will lose her by HER choice and I cannot blame her for that. So I will take a break and work with another T to understand this. Reading back on the texts it was all shit I wanted to say to my mother. Things I was always too afraid to say because I would get my ass beat to a bloody pulp and expressing myself wouldn't matter to my mother anyway because her feelings were the only feelings that mattered and I had to guess what they were and walk around on egg shells not feeling or expressing anything to keep the peace.

I love everyone here and I am so grateful for anything anyone has to say. And I appreciate you affording me the luxary of honesty without judgement. I feel your support and I am so grateful for it. You all help me feel like I am not alone and you and the experiences you share give me hope. So thank you so so much for hearing me and responding and acknowledging my pain and struggle.