Hi ElizaJ,

The psychologist that I returned to is the one who refutes the BPD diagnosis because it is not a pervasive pattern of behavior. When I was in treatment with her years ago she had me pull out the DSM-IV right in her office and go over the criteria with her, and we both agreed it did not fit. I too think this trauma. I think my way of reacting and acting in certain relationships only with certain women triggers something off in me that just sets me spinning like crazy. It is like I am actually reliving the trauma on an emotional level all the time. I have close relationships with other women and have absolutely no problem.

I am confident that returning to this T will help me along. She has been around (in practice for over 20 years), I know her skill set, I trust her skill set and I trust that if I were out of her scope she would refer me out.

I definately think what I experienced with my T was trauma rooted and transference mishandled. I am like two totally different people with each one of them. With the former T, my dependency needs are actually exaggerated and I feel like I need her, like I need her attention, and her validation and all the things I didn't get as a child and I want her to step in and be the good mom. With the T I have returned to, I don't feel dependent and never have. I always felt a sense of empowerment and inherent worth and significance and a mutual respect. I feel no power differential in the therapuetic relationship with the therapist I have returned to.

In fact at the time I stopped seeing her, at that time I felt like I was ready to venture out on my own and did without therapy for a few years before returning after things went upside down for me and I felt a need to return.

I am happy we have kept email and occassional face to face correspondence over the years and that she is pretty much abreast as to what has been going on with me. I am just grateful that I have a place I can go to and be honest about my feelings and not feel a sense of shame, but rather examine my feelings and thoughts objectively and with compassion.

I will always hold a special place for former T in my heart and I hope to some day return to her to at least tell her how much I appreciate her tenaciousness and for not abandoning me.