Hi ElizaJ,

Thank you for nudging me along. I guess on some level I am feeling a deep pain, but it is a pain that I have brought on myself so it makes it more "dealable".

My T is the one that suggested I have BPD though my previous long term psychologist disputes the diagnosis. I absolutely own to borderline behaviors and thought patterns in certain relationships with certain women only. We were working on regulating strong emotions and putting them in their place, but the emotions were too strong for me.

Intellectually I know I am not harming my T. I know she would never give any patient the power to do that and know that she has a strong handle on herself.

There is just such a strong pull inside of me to just go away. To just disappear and vanish. I think I can handle her being out of my life (not my T) as long as it is my choice to do the separating. My FOREVER pattern is to chase women I come to love and respect away from me. I don't trust that pattern will change with this T. In the past I have always hung on til the bitter end, trusting that a person wouldn't leave me because I am toxic, but in the end they always have which has led me to doubt and question my own feelings.

I just don't feel good enough, worthy enough, especially to her.

Of course I feel pain and sadness but I am really not giving myself the opportunity to feel it. Because I doubt my feelings I am shelving them, stuffing them and trying to lock them out to be able to cope with my utter disappointment in myself.