quote:

Originally posted by ghost girl:
If I want to call it what it really is and be really honest and call a spade a spade I will

The transference issues with my T bring out my borderline behaviors and feelings to the MAX! I feel on levels that are too powerful, I have separated the transference from my real feelings for her. My real sense is that I do I love her and she has shown me love over and over again even when I didn't know it. Even when I didn't feel it... she has consistantly demonstrated loving behavior and caring. In loving my T I feel like I have to demonstrate my love for her by removing myself from her care, because my love is bad, or toxic and if I stay I will only eventually wind up turning her love into hate through my behaviors and my words. I don't want to lose the love of another woman in my life because I failed to be appropriate or good enough. I would rather just excise myself from her life and leave therapy with the feelings of being loved intact, rather than hurting later because I failed and got abandoned again. Does that even make any sense? Because it just came spilling out.

in a perfect world i would hope at some point you could tell her exactly all of this.

you never know - maybe she has an answer and / or a solution you heavenly thought of you're assuming she will come to hate you - but you don't know that for sure - if / when you do talk to her about this, might be a good idea to check it out - ask her - 'hey, if you ended up hating me, then what?'.

most Ts do therapy / have superiviosn themselves - if she was struggling with 'you' (or any client) then its HER responsibility to work on that and sort it out. presumably she is an experienced T and i doubt you would be the 'most difficult' client she's ever had. she might have had loads of clients who try to push' her away or hate her - but it doesn't mean she will take it personally.

it might very well be you can hate her all you like and still see her and - she doesn't hate you back! vein a bit 'back' form our intense feelings - that's why
"Ts don't get so emotionally involved with us - its to PROTECT US - if they became so emotionally charged with everything we did or said, they'd lose the plot cos no human being could do that with a large number of people day in, day out - they'd burn out!

chances are, she is a great, skilled T and knows hw to handle her side of things. let her do HER job, and you have nothing to actually worry about.

honestly, i think - when / if you're ready - talking this though with her would really really help alleviate your deep fears. cos to me, it seems total terror (understandably) of what you feel is inevitable pain and rejection.