i dont want you for one minute think i am implying in any way that what you are feeling is 'wrong' - i don't think that. i 'get' where you are coming from, it makes sense - i guess i just feel sad for the little girl inside you who needs to try to work thigh the pain of letting someone win, so she can at least experience safety within a relationship. Your T is participation gin a relationship - albeit a therapeutic one. to think she isn't isn't is a bi misguided. i suspect it comes down to different meanings of the word 'relationship'
if you have BPD, i am assuming your T knows this? is she specialized in working with people with BPD? what is her view of BPD? i was misdiagnosed 20 years ago as having BPD and the way it was viewed by health professionals then was extremely wrong and awful and id like to think things have changed LOT since then.
id also think your T should be helping you manage the intense feelings - whether it be via CBT of DBT or whatever is needed -it might even be you could benefit form a medication review (assuming you are on meds of course).
has your T helped you come up with a crisis plan, of how to manage intense feelings so that when you feel those things, you have a clear guideline as to how best to seek support and get through it?
if your T hasn't had a lo of experience with BPD, then it might be more helpful for you to find someone who has
i know you feel that you are stopping therapy and cutting yourself off so you 'leave the love intact' but i don't think that is what is happening - you don't seem to feel that way, form what you are posting hun ;(. you've posted a few times in the past day that she didn't care, there was no relationship, that it was never real, and she dint care at all really, other than seeing you as a client etc.
i think it might be helpful for you to review - on a daily basis if needebe - how much truth is in what you are doing to get a certain outcome.
sorry, not explaining myself well!
ie - you've left so:
a) you keep the love for your T intact - is that really happening? some posts you feel it, others you don't it seems
b) you don't want to hurt yourself though continuing to love - at the moment you say you feel numb, but you have also posted what i can only describe as what appears be be deep pain and hurting - so is that really working as you hoped?
please don't think I'm criticizing you - i guess I'm seeing it from an outsiders perspective, free of the pain and intense emotion, and i guess I'm trying to - very gently - nudge you to see if what you are doing is in fact helping protect you further…