Hi ElizaJ,

I can't say as if I ever wanted or longed to have a relationship or even know anything about my T outside of therapy. She stated that it is not a relationship because she is non participatory. She is just a professional helping me get to a place to where I wish to be. Like a doctor helping a medical patient. I get it. I know there is no relationship for HER, but for me... I cared, I trusted, I revealed, I loved. I grappled for a long time with the no relationship thing and I get it. I don't bring my patients home with me in my head either. I don't expect that from her. I didn't expect myself to grow to love someone just because they were there. Thing is I know I wouldn't even be remotely interested in knowing her in any other sense. I dared to feel love and it scared the shit out of me because she cannot return the genuineness of love and caring. So I removed love from my life. That is safe. In the long run everyone finds out I am not worth loving anyway. I refuse to delude myself into believing that anyone could care or love me. It is something I never got, something I will never have and to be quite honest something I am desiring to push far far far far away. I feel like my love and loving me or feeling love is just way too toxic and too dangerous.

I don't see myself reconnecting anytime soon if ever. I totally made a fool of myself allowing someone to see the real wounded me. I can't do it anymore.