DING DING DING ELIZAJ YOU HIT THE JACKPOT!

Absolutely I am recreating, reenacting, and recreating the past... all with the hope of making a more acceptable ending. YOU SO HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD!

I have totally seen this, I have totally owned this. I am totally 100% sure that I am choosing to relive my past, experience the same terror, the same fear, the same anger, the same intimidation, the same confusion, the same fear I had with my mom. I totally see it and I am totally doing it by choice. I am trying and am clearly aware that I am trying to experience new reality by reliving the past with my T as being both the trigger the sets me into negative emotional responses and the catalyst that moves me toward healing. I have got say honestly that despite T being the way she is this therapeutic relationship or alliance or whatever you call it, has brought me the most pain, but also the most healing. I have allowed this T into my reality, I let myself be out of control with her, I have completely let my emotional guard down and let myself spin out control emotionally within the safety of the relationship. I have TRUSTED this therapist with the raw, unhidden, broken, not well presented and put together self. Just being allowed the freedom to be that way, to experience the intensity of it and not have someone bail on me... to TRUST and to trust in trusting... has been monumental for me and spoken volumes to my heart. I have learned so much through introspection and reflection in this journey that I can't even put it in writing.

When I think of T from a professional stance like observing her through the eyes of another professional, I have no idea what goes through her mind when she dresses in the morning!!!!!!!
In the beginning I thought it was just my problem and I have always been shakey in my sexuality, having had sexual feelings for both men and women, I just figured my inner lesbian was at work... and I didn't say anything. Then the ET hit hard and the mini skirts and the underwear were too much for me. I did discuss with her that speaking professional to professional I found the short skirts and dresses to be a distraction, unprofessional and just not the appropriate way of dressing for the profession and the issues clients may have may trigger even more issues. I told her that woman to woman, I find her physically pleasing to look at and I told her client to therapist, that I found it tastless, triggering due to my abuse issues. There have been times when she when I felt offended and even threatened (emotionally) by the way she dresses.

Needless to say, even though I would rather look at my therapists face when I am talking to her, I often am looking at her lap because she can't keep covered up and fidgets with her garments (what little there is of it), making it look like she is trying to cover up. That is the point where I will throw her blanket. I thought that act alone might mortify her, because it would me, but apparently she doesn't see it as an issue and is just TAWDRY about it. (I am sorry I had to).

I think I rambled. Sorry.