Skip to main content

The PsychCafe
Share, connect, and learn.

Reply to "Healing Developmental Trauma"

Eme,
Forgive me for dropping into the middle of your conversation but a few things stood out for me in what you said so I wanted to respond.

The first is that my reaction to what you said about your T pulling back after that conversation was to think that he saw you starting to take care of his needs. You said you expressed that you were sorry for what he had gone through. So I a wondering if he felt like his self-disclosure went too far and the focus shifted to his needs? If he did, it would make sense that he would pull away a bit to make sure the focus stayed on your needs, where it should be.

But the truth is, you have no idea what happened because you are not saying anything. If he pulled back because he thought his disclosure was damaging to you, he will only know different if you tell him.

quote:
that's why I just sucked it up and continue to stay quiet, its safer that way.


I understand this, I really do. For so many of us the cost of relationship was to stuff who we are, our feelings and our needs, way down deep and conform to what the other person wanted. We have lots of experience of speaking up or expressing ourselves and being abandoned. But the truth is, that's not how a relationship is supposed to work. We are supposed to be free to express our feelings and be heard and understood. So it may feel safer to stay quiet, but it's also what keeps us trapped and frustrated.

Please believe me that I know how terrifying it is to open up and be vulnerable enough to speak about our feelings, but it's so very important.

Here's how I used to think about it. I was terrified to speak up because of the fear of losing the relationship, but if I didn't speak up, I really didn't have the relationship anyway, because it wasn't the real me, it was the person I was trying to be in order to not lose the relationship. Therapy is (or at least should be) a place where it's safe to talk about all our feelings. SO let him know how he messed up and what you thought happened and see how he handles it.

If this came out too strongly, please forgive me. It's just that you sound so frustrated and I was hoping to help.

AG
×
×
×
×
×