Thanks, ElizaJ, for sharing your story. I couldn't quite tell if you told your T and THEN ended up with a sentence or if you told T AFTER. In other words, did she do something to involve the legal system?

I understand what you describe about doing something bad vs being bad. And yes, I suppose it is the shame that makes me feel I am bad. That's what shame it, really. But I feel guilt too, and that's different from shame.

I do think T will accept me anyway. And I am sure I will end up telling her eventually. As you've suggested, we have talked a little bit "around" the topic - but too much talking or T asking questions and I've had to say, no more for now.

I did tell previous Ts - but telling and working through it are two different things. Telling brought no resolution for me. With current T, I trust she will help me through it. And, hopefully, I will be able to integrate that part of me. I have felt like a monster for what I did. I've not been able to allow myself to accept it as part of me and most of the time have kept it boxed up and separate from myself. But when it comes out of the box and I come face-to-face with it, I feel so much distress that suicide is my go-to place. Also, on two occasions with two different Ts, I had very bad meltdowns and that scares me.

RT