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Reply to "Feels like lying"

It is so weird reading my old words here.

I had only been with my T for a few months when I posted this. Now, three years later, it feels like a lifetime ago. The level of trust I have in my T now was unthinkable back then (not that there still isn’t a long ways to go on that front.)

It’s pretty cool to read this though and see how much I have changed. I do still get hit with a shame-storm occasionally about feeling like I am manipulative/lying, but nowhere near as frequently as I used to, especially in the last year. My father's death a few months ago has made a huge difference in being able to admit to myself that he really did abuse me. Another huge thing has been discovering the parts of me that hold memories and emotions from when I was a kid. The pain and anger they hold is overwhelming and I can only tolerate small amounts before I dissociate, but just knowing that I do have emotions and really was affected by what happened to me helps with the shame.

Kmay- my memories of my CSA feel like dreams as well. I know one child-part of mine has much more vivid memories, and she will show them to me in dreams sometimes, but it doesn’t feel like “me” in the images. The memories I do have are mostly sense-memories (a touch, a smell, a “something bad happened” feeling), and I also have body memories sometimes when I talk about it. I’m glad your T believes you and can explain why it is extremely unlikely you are making it up. My T will tell me he believes me in almost every session. It feels hokey sometimes, but it is also comforting.

Rebuilding me- I’m glad you can feel less alone with this. I know when I first posted it helped a lot to know that other people felt the same way.

Catalyst- Having a T who you feel like you can’t manipulate is really important, and you definitely are lucky to have a T like yours. It’s funny, though, I both long for a T who I can’t manipulate and also feel scared by it. Like nothing I do can change how the T feels about me- that is both safe and scary at once.
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