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Reply to "Feels like lying"

Found this old thread as I was searching for this very topic. I wasn't even sure how to label it as a new thread so was very happy to find this.

Wanted to share some feelings about it. ***Trigger mention of CSA***

In the last year, I have finally started talking about this. Before, I would just tell people I didn't have any abuse, CSA or emotional or neglect. But I always felt that couldn't be true. My memories however feel like dreams. In fact I do constantly dream (well, nightmares more like it) about it. I can also remember such specific details but I can't put times together, age, sequence or even faces sometimes (or maybe I just don't want to believe the faces to be true.) I can remember smells and feels (body memories) and I think that would be hard to make up. Yet, it does feel like a lie. I can also remember being able to "fly". I wasn't on the ceiling though like I have read most people posting about. I was instead flying outside through the sky and jumping incredible lengths over the sky. Then I would come back to it, like it was a dream happening to me and then I would be jumping through the sky again. It sounds so crazy to me that I wonder if I am lying too. But as my T explains, there is no way I would remember smells and have body memories (meaning sometimes I feel the pain when just talking about it) and I also feel the pain when I am intimate with my husband. She also says it is highly unlikely for it to not be true based on my intimacy issues with my own husband. I constantly jump or snap if he ever touches me from behind without warning. Every time he rolls over and sets his hand on my in the middle of the night just to snuggle, I jump and throw his hand off. I get angry and my mind tells me that he only wants one thing and that is to "use" me to get himself off. That is obviously a very distorted thought process to have towards my own husband whom I know loves me so much, adores me and would never do anything to hurt me. He is always gentle with me.

Thank you for reading this.
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