Nannabee!

Gosh I totally relate to what you are saying here. I feel exactly the same and am wondering why I do it.

I wind myself up with obsessive thinking and I feel like I have been denying the fact that I can function in everyday life and things are okay. I've even been attempting to manipulate myself into thinking that I am terribly depressed and made myself not eat for a week.

It has been harrowing to admit to myself that I did all this out of my own efforts.

Whats more is that I crave the sympathy my therapist gives to me. So when I 'felt' down, I liked her sympathy. And the first thing she said was 'Are you okay?" in a really concerned way, I loved it. I loved her care. But underneath I feel that I did it for attention because I crave her so much and her adoration. I don't like it when she does not smile or does not look concerned. It feels to me that she doesn't care or something and then I leave the session not feeling much.

The attachment I have for her is lovely and I want it too much. I am desperate to keep a hold of it and never let it go. When she showed me a smile I was addicted to it. I wanted to hug her and not let her go at all. I started laughing at one point because she continued to show me a concerned look and I thought 'You're faking it to make me feel. You're silly. Stop doing that'. At the same time I fear that I must be scared of it too..Perhaps.

I also feel like I survived. I feel like all is fine now. When my T once said 'Its not good what you went through and you are not being silly', nothing hit me. I just felt neutral. I wanted to cry so she would sympathize but I couldn't. Just sort of stared at the floor and said 'Yeah'. I don't tend to 'feel' much even if tears do come out.

I also feel that other people go through a lot more so my problems are invalid. I feel silly for saying things went wrong.

I wish you luck in working through this. I know exactly how you feel. x