First of all, you are going and have gone through A LOT. Second of all, THANK YOU for typing all that info, because I know that it must have taken a lot of effort to put it together right, and to even think for that matter due to the condition you suffer must have been EXTREMELY hard.. I can definately tell you are a VERY strong individual, and that you have HOPE inside you.. It's there wailing out for someone to rescue you from the UTTER HELL you're experiencing. NEVER LOSE HOPE. I believe "HE" is very much REAL, and is giving you that hope, and is also using you as an instrument of ENCOURAGEMENT for others, as an INSPIRATION..Keep going.. Because it can only get better..
I'd like to tell you that from my experiences of suffering nearly the exact same things that you have with the dissociation, catatonia, depression, etc.. Because I have a type of schizo-affective disorder in which I have bipolar disorder and schizophrenia (I have Undifferentiated-type, which basically means I have all forms of the disorder), I also suffer from PTSD due to prolonged and severe child abuse, and dissociation as well. Also, unclassified personality disorder because I have several symptoms akin to each personality disorder, I may even have multiple personality disorder. But anyway, to get to the point, I'd like to offer you some insight to what is currently helping me, and might you consider taking the same approach or at least giving it a try if you haven't already...In the way that is prescribed for myself, or in a similar way (*Yawn*,sorry It's past my bedtime
). I take medication on a daily basis. I take a mood stabilizer, 2 anti-depressants, anti-anxiety, something for insomnia due to side effect from other meds, an anti-psychotic. When they first put me on an anti-psychotic, they put me on the only ones that were around back then, and they had some severe side effects.. So, now they have the "atypical" ones, and they are way much better, with fewer side effects. They can help you come back to your senses, and help you feel human again (at least that's what they did for me). So, pls consider this if you haven't already..I really hope this helps, there isn't even a word for the intensity of disconnection/pain/whatever/ that describes what you go through that I know to describe what you r going through, it is so much to bear, and I know, I felt like crying when I read your story it hit me so hard. May God bless you, and pull the heavily stifled, gasping for the refreshing & glorious breath from your weakened, lack-lustered and apathetic soul, to sing again the beautiful & vibrant songs reminiscent of past-times long lost and forgotton. <33
