I know being on the public bit of the board is hard so before you delete, I just wanted to say I'm happy to see you.
I'm a follower of Captain Awkward too. She has helped me up my boundaries game considerably over the years.
I had a really hard time figuring out what boundaries really were because it's not something that came naturally and I didn't really believe I had a right to them.
I know what you mean about feeling as if you need to have some kind of external authority to quote. I think when others persistently won't hear or take our needs into account, it's natural to try and look wider for something to help us hold that position.
One of the things I try to hold on to is the answer "Because I need to" is justification enough for a decision to step back, or to say no to a request. It is not ok for other people to pick over reasoning with a fine tooth comb and then pronounce judgement on whether the reason is good enough.
One of the Captain Awkward quotes I like the most about justifying (or not justifying!) your position is:
"Giving reasons to unreasonable, difficult, manipulative people is like giving them ammunition for the fight they want to have with you about your boundaries and how you should not really have them."
I am glad you are working with your T on this.
