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I made it through my ten day break while T was on his vacation. It was made more difficult for me because we had a serious disruption before he left. I was angry and I pushed him away and ended up hurting him. In his hurt he said something to me that hurt me. We didn't have enough time to a) repair the hurt and b) talk about how I would manage while he was gone. Although I know I always have an option to email him, I did not contact him at all during the break. This is the first time I've done that.

I'm not sure how I managed no contact but I think that most of the time I was not present and was very numbed out. Some time I just white knuckled it when emotions threatened to break through or when I was faced with something that was difficult for me. It was not an easy break and I was nervous about seeing T again today.

One of the first things he said to me after asking how I was doing was that he didn't see any emails from me and asked if he had "missed" one. I said no, that I didn't email at all. He told me that he looked on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. He checked numerous times to be sure he didn't miss one. I had wondered if he even gave me a thought while he was gone.

Complicating his absence was the fact that I quite accidently "bumped" into some pictures posted by the wife of herself on vacation on a public website (not hers). Not him, just her. But the pictures were taken by T. This caused me all kinds of pain and anguish. Thankfully, I have a group of very dear friends who supported me through this and helped me keep my sanity.

So today we talked about how I hurt him and he said what he did to me to let me know this. I do think his choice of words could have been more tempered but he said he needed to shock me into understanding that I could hurt him and that this was possible because he cares about me and that our relationship is a real one. He also told me that he knew I felt pain at hurting him because I care about him and if I hurt him then I also hurt myself. He did say he was sorry today for hurting me and that he never wants to do that. He said our relationship is very real and he knows I can "feel" it and if I can, then it's real because these things cannot be faked. So I conceded that it is real, it's just not "normal".

T tells me that under all the crap that has happened to me that I am healthy and that I am already attached to him nicely but that I need to get out of my own way. That my stubbornness and refusal to use the attachment is hurting me and keeping me stuck. I told him that I don't know how to use this attachment. He said I'm smart and I know how it works and I just need to try it and also to bring the child into the room with us so she can also feel the attachment which will keep her from getting so scared and then causing me all kinds of anxiety and pain. Hmmm... I don't know....

T insists that his care for me is unconditional. This is why I am not allowed to bring him any food. He knows I did this with oldT. He told me all my other attachment relationships were with people who were not healthy and had no idea what to so with the attachment and needed me for what I could give them. he told me he needs absolutely nothing from me and no matter what I do (within reason... no weapons, threats, etc.) it will not change the way he feels about me.

Then we got into a discussion of my telling him that if I DO accept the attachment it will only bring home to me all the things I missed as a child and will never have, no matter what I do now. He told me that there are many things I can have and I have no idea how much I can have with him because I won't even try. That caused me some anxiety when he said that. I didn't tell him but the idea of not knowing what I can have is scary to me for some reason. So I told him well, what about what I can't have... and he asked me what that would be. He said I've been given almost everything I have already dared to ask for. It's the whole idea of asking that has become more daunting for me through the years. I don't know why. He told me as I take in more and more from him, the support, nurturing, guidance, care... then it will become less and less important to look back on what I missed as a child. It just won't matter as much because of all I will have now. I guess this is a version of focusing on what you have rather than what you feel is missing from the relationship. He seems to feel that as we get deeper into the relationship and moved into processing the trauma then this intimate connection and his nurturing will fill a lot of the empty places inside. Not all. But enough to matter in my life. And what the relationship doesn't fill and needs to be grieved.... then I won't be alone with it. He said I've been alone for too much of my life, trying to figure things out since childhood.

He asked me something else. He asked if I'm refusing to accept the attachment and this relationship because of my fear that if I do the next step will be too scary, too overwhelming to think about? I think this was pretty insightful of him and it could be true. Of course, being so traumatized by another T also has something to do with not trusting easily. T looked at me and said, you are afraid if you take was I offer you and then I decide to take it away, you won't survive, you won't get over it. Don't you think I know this? Don't you know that I SAW you after your trauma with oldT and how devastated you were. Do you think I could ever do that to you? He was very serious when he said that.

I told him that I'm still scared of him and this is likely why I cannot remember when I shake his hand. I dissociate out of fear of his nearness. He said that makes him sad. I know we have to work through this fear of his proximity to me. Part of me longs to be closer and part is terrified to being closer in proximity.

T was serious today but also very funny. He makes me laugh even when I don't' want to and he has an answer to everything. We talked some about boundaries and he tells me he knows I worry about hitting them but I never do and he does not need restrictive boundaries with me because I am respectful of them.

I know we have a lot of things we have to work through in the relationship alone before we get to trauma work. We still need to deal with my reactions to having the wife around, we need to discuss love in the attachment, what that means to him and to me. We need to solve the proximity fears I have.

I would like to change a bit about how we work through our sessions. I want to make some suggestions to him when I feel courageous enough. But I feel a lot of relief that he is back and it was nice to hear that he still thought of me while he was gone and that I just didn't disappear. That I still mattered. That is such a new feeling that I'm still trying to take it in.

TN
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quote:
He told me as I take in more and more from him, the support, nurturing, guidance, care... then it will become less and less important to look back on what I missed as a child. It just won't matter as much because of all I will have now. I guess this is a version of focusing on what you have rather than what you feel is missing from the relationship. He seems to feel that as we get deeper into the relationship and moved into processing the trauma then this intimate connection and his nurturing will fill a lot of the empty places inside.


Hi TN,

I'm so glad you're back on track with your T because now we get to hear more of his insights. Big Grin

I love the way he verbalizes the process to you, explaining where you are in therapy and where he wants you to go and how he will be there for you. Also, it's obvious you and the relationship you've formed with him are very important to him, which must provide a lot of reassurance. The strength of your relationship allows you both to overcome difficult disruptions which leads to more growth.

I quoted that particular passage of your post because as I read it I felt like it explains why I'm able to let go of the pain and disappointment of what I missed in childhood. When I first became close to my exP, I became acutely aware of what I could and should have had in childhood and it nearly sent me into a depression, thinking of the life I would have had if my parents had been loving and supportive. That awareness made the abrupt termination all the more painful, because I was losing something so special that I never thought I could possibly have. I imagine you went through something similar with your exT?

I no longer dwell on what I didn't have, imagining how different and easy my life may have been if I had had loving and supportive parents, basically a normal childhood. Instead I find myself appreciating what I do have and looking to the future more and I believe it's because my P has helped fill most of those empty spaces. I say most instead of all because we still have a little more work to do, but a lot of healing has occurred the way your T describes it. Also, I believe I have to fill some of those spaces on my own, and my P has helped me believe in myself again so I feel more self-reliant.

Unfortunately my P doesn't verbalize the process for me, but we seem to live it so we're getting to the same end, not to say we don't hit bumps along the road as well.

I know you must be very relieved and have a sense of optimism after this reconnecting session.

Summer
Hi Monte... I hope you and your T can work out those needs and you can get them met or find a comforting middle ground. It is a tricky path to walk.

And, yes, you can certainly say "I told you so".

Big Grin

Hi Summer, thanks for your comments and I'm glad you find my T's insights helpful. Yes, my T does explain a lot of the process to me but that's because I ask him a million questions and the poor guy has to work really hard to keep up Smiler

I did go through similar feelings with oldT when I finally felt as if I was getting some of what I needed or missed out on as a child and it was actually helping me. But then I lost it. It was taken away as if I didn't deserve it and the grief was double.

My T explained that if you were always hungry as a child and then someone came along and fed you and then you were able to develop and then even be able to get food for yourself you would not keep going back to the days when you didn't have food and were hungry. You may remember it now and then but you don't feel that same empty hunger as you did because it has been filled and are no longer deprived. This made me think about it how I will feel in the future once I can accept his nurturing, care and love.

TN
quote:
He asked if I'm refusing to accept the attachment and this relationship because of my fear that if I do the next step will be too scary, too overwhelming to think about?


This really resonated with me, because I'm pretty sure I'm about to start this process with my own T, and it feels so. damn. difficult. to even contemplate. I've never been hurt by a T, but I have been hurt by most of the men in my life, and it's almost unfathomable to me that my T would want nothing from me except my attachment.

You're doing amazing work, TN. So glad you could repair the rupture and take the next step forward. Smiler
Thanks Affinity. I'm a bit nervous as to where we go from here but a friend recommended making a list of things that I feel are still out there unsettled between us and to work through them until I feel they are processed. At that point I'll be hoping to address the trauma issues. I think the therapeutic frame still needs to be worked on and some other obstacles need discussion. I have a bunch of stuff to think about.

I hope your next session goes well and you can approach the attachment issues and hear a bit more about how your T sees it.

Hugs
TN
As I re-read this post I find it helps clarify some things for me to take into my next session. So I guess it was good to write all of this out for myself.

I'm thinking though that it did not resonate with any but a veryfew people out there. Sometimes when this happens I have to fight with the impluse to just delete what I have written and I have to struggle to leave it up. I'm sorta glad I left it here overnight so that I was able to re read it this morning for myself.

Thanks again, Monte, Summer and Affinity.

Yesterday was just really a tough anniversary day for me.

TN
(((TN))) I've been reading, but not commenting much, but it does resonate with approach dilemmas I'm always having with my own T.

From the complete withdrawal and numbing during ruptures/breaks, to my T expressing my ability to affect him or other ways that some of my defenses really complicate things and get in the way of him helping me, to his insistence on a real connection between us that I mostly fight against acknowledging, despite working so closely together for so long. Being close IS terrifying, even though it's also sometimes a deep, driving need. But I can't even bear to hear him say the word "comfort" without all sorts of shame and pain coming up, much less attempt to offer it.

It was really moving to hear that he sees you, sees the pain you arrived in, and he's determined to take care of you in a way that would never harm you like that again. I know my T is too, but it's almost like I believe there is a law of the universe that my being close to people breaks them, turns them bad or else harms them and they have to go, no choice...so it's sometimes so hard to hold onto the fact that my T cares deeply about me and will always work to help me.

I think you made a good point about processing the stuff that still feels up in the air. I did that once, a couple years back, about the huge rupture we had around sitting on the floor vs. not. I had let all my questions and fears about it linger for so many months. Finally, I just wrote out all the questions I still had. We dealt with it on a phone session (when we still did those), which made it slightly easier. But, I had to sit there in shame wanting to say, "No, nevermind, don't answer it!" but sitting through and listening what he had to say about his own experience of that situation and of me. Even though the choice he made at the time was still upsetting (and he later changed his mind about it), hearing all he did in trying to provide what was best to me helped me have a little more confidence in approaching the attachment.

Anyway, sending hugs and hoping you are able to talk more about all of this in your next session.
Thank you for sharing this TN. I think you're incredibly brave for being so open and honest with yr T, especially after what happened in the past with Ts.

I can't begin to know how painful and distressing it must have been to see pics of his wife pop up unexpectedly.

It's reassuring in a weird way, hearing how it was when your T came back - how it's not necessarily all happy happy joy joy going into the first session they are back for. I'm on my first real break from mine after a year of therapy together (she's away 5 weeks) and while it's only been 6 days I'm already feeling it's damaged our connection to the point I am really afraid I'll never re-connect to her when she returns.
Hi Yaku.... I haven't seen you for awhile. I hope you are feeling okay these days. Thanks for your comments. I understand fully that feeling of terror of moving too close while at the same time have such a strong desire to become close to T. It can give a girl whiplash!

Eliza... the first session back is not an easy one. There is always the anger to process and the feelings of being abandoned or not cared about. It was very telling that my T made sure I knew he kept checking his email for a message from me. He told me that just because he was away from me did not mean that I disappeared from his thoughts.

TN
TN,

Thank you so much for sharing your session with T. I'm so glad you didn't delete it because I haven't been on the forum in awhile.

I'm sorry you had a rupture before your break and I'm so glad that he is back now. He sounds like an amazing T and just hearing the warmth from his words towards you fills me with warmth in some weird way. I am so guarded with everyone in life and to read his care and nuturing for your soul encourages me.

I was really moved by your discussion that your relationship with your T is real. I have struggled deeply with that subject of the therapeutic relationship being a real one.

Thanks again for sharing your story.


PassionFruit
Oh, TN, I'm so glad for you, that your T is willing and knowledgeable about the inner child work! I wish I could see your T, and then I would know that my inner child stuff would be treated with respect and wisdom. I'm almost at the place where you are, just beginning to trust the T to treat the child so neglected and abused. Yet, I'm not sure my T knows and treats Transference like yours does. I know I would get well with that wise treatment. I just hope you can stay with it and trust more and more. Your post above is so encouraging and I would like to read it over and over!

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