Hi about,i totally get it.my t takes a lot of vacations. Sh is about to go on one next week for 9 days. I feel like withdrawing emotionally right now. Its been a very hard timefor me right now and this sort of increased it. If you are anything like me you start to kind of adjust to the absense and then to have hercome back only to leave right away again would be a big challenge. It would be upsetting to me. Have talked to her about your feelings and beliefs on abandonment? That might help but i also get where that would vulnerable and thenshe is gone again. Sometimesi journal out my thouhts and feelings and then synthasive

It totally makes sense that you would be apprehensive about going back after your long break, knowing that your T is then leaving for a week. It also makes sense that you are questioning ever going back, because it does hurt when our T’s mess up or disappear and you want to keep from feeling that pain. But your T going on vacation doesn’t mean she is disappearing. It is not inevitable that your therapy is going to end with her abandoning you.

From what you’ve written about her, I truly believe she cares about you. I remember that amazing gift you gave her in your last session before your trip. Can you remember how heart-wrenching it felt to think about leaving her for good? It makes total sense to me that after facing that prospect, you want to protect yourself from having to face it again. But in protecting yourself, you also lose all of the good stuff that your T gives you.

I can see why you would feel brushed-off with your T’s minimal apology for the auto-responder mishap, but that doesn’t mean that it wasn’t a big deal for you and that you have to let it go. You can tell her how affected you were by it. Just because she wasn’t reliable doesn’t mean it was shameful or wrong of you to want her to be.

I could have written every word you wrote- it is exactly how I feel- down to the D@mn automatic email reply thing...I hate getting that - its like a slap in the face. I have mentioned that to my T, but what can she say- I see why its necessary to let people know she is off-line. But still- rational thought isnt my strong point here.

I always start questioning going back. Its like I can feel myself retreat a little into myself (self-protection mode)- and its a little bit of a relief. I hate needing her, I hate wanting her- all of that. So when it cant happen for a while and I start getting used to that, it seems a little absurd to want to go back to that agony. I start to think -I have enough "real" problems as it it- I dont need to add agonizing over my relationship with her to that mess. I get hooked on thinking how the relationship isnt even "real".

In addition, both on vacations or not, I (very often) struggle with the idea that there will be an end to this relationship- I mean thats not a maybe... one day she will retire and I will have to stop going. That just about paralyzes me with sickening fear. I start thinking about this alot when she's on vacation and I start to think- this is my chance to escape- I could not go back... I'm kind of walled up here to deal with her absence... why in hell am I going to go back and start feeling all that need and want, and then start to worry again about when it wont be in my control to quit?

When I do go back it can take weeks for me to lower my guard... that is getting a little better (it takes less time)... but its still a thing for me. Loss is thing, trust is a thing- there are a lot of things that get riled up in this for me.

So- I'm sorry, I dont know that I've said anything helpful here- I really dont have any ideas on how to make this better- but for what its worth, you are definitely not alone in this.

Thank you for your answers.

I went back. And was careful not to open up too much, also because she was going back on vacation right after (like... now).

After the session she sent an email (which is a very rare thing, maybe even the first time), saying that maybe this back and forth of her appearing and disappearing was difficult for me (no way, how did she guess that... ) and she offered a check-in mail next week. And it felt okay, like she was back, and I felt better.
But now actually she is gone again. Sorry, I am confused.

I will write a better answer a bit later.

Hi About,

I'm sorry your T is gone again. I, too, have a hard time going back after a break. I've thought about not going back many times because it does hurt so much. I've read from other blogs that sometimes too many breaks is not helpful because how can we entrust ourselves to someone who is always gone?

I think how the T handles the breaks is really important, too. I think talking about it before and after can make it easier or harder.

My T is gone a lot. It takes a long time for us to get back on track and reconnect. I keep on keeping on because I have a strong attachment to my T and I've worked so hard with him. But I think I came close to a breaking point this last break and if he were to leave for an extended period of time again, I would probably leave. My T was gone 21 days, came back for one week, then left for another 60 days. He's back now, but I'm still hurting from it.

I'm glad your T sent you an email and you felt better after your last session. Hopefully, the email will help keep the connection somehow because it is hard.


PassionFruit