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21 replies

Can I control it?

yakusokuyakusokuMember
So, having alcoholic parents and an H who had a physically abusive father when he was drunk, we pretty much don't drink in our family. Until a month ago, I hadn't had any alcohol since right after I turned 17. I did a lot of drinking at 16 mostly alone or at family functions, probably because my sophomore year was hell (both grandmas died, assault that I didn't label that way at the time, little brother was born and I was up most nights with him, etc.). Then, I just quit and never drank again until recently.

I decided to have a beer over at a friend's house tonight. It was the same place I had a glass of wine a couple of months ago. Why did I have it? Because I wanted to. I have been wanting alcohol for months and the only thing keeping me from doing it was trying to "live up to" the ideal of not drinking. I never had that post-21 stage of partying and have never felt the need to. I drank it really slowly so I would be less likely to have an opportunity to get more. When I finished, I wanted more. I wanted, very strongly, to get drunk. I've been dissociated a lot lately and I wanted to have physical sensations that were related to something I did, not related to some emotions I don't even know are there. I thought about my daughter and not wanting to be that way for her sake. I wanted very badly to just have one more and see what would happen, but I didn't.

So, for tonight, I controlled it. But, I'm thinking maybe I should just go back to not doing it at all. Ideally, I could do it in moderation and a drink every once in a while could be healthy. However, with the feelings I was having tonight...those get myself all effed up, fail all expectations, block out the world feelings...I'm thinking maybe I am just better off not doing it at all, like I was. I don't know. I have always been such a disciplined person, drawing the line in extreme places to be safe and right. I'd like to be able to "enjoy a drink," but I'm not sure if I can.

I don't expect any answers or even replies. I just wanted to get out my thoughts on what the experience was like.
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blackbirdblackbirdMember
Hi, Yaku- I relate to the desire to be able to drink socially and keep it in control- I just think that when you are dealing with the kind of pain that is coming up for you in therapy, (from my own experience, so take with grain of salt) it can be really dangerous to start using alcohol at this particular time- especially when one has young children. So- if you are able to stop it before it becomes a problem- I would encourage you very strongly in that. That road is full of more pain, therapy complications, and self-recrimination, and eventual and inevitable deprivation that is much more painful than never starting in the first place- anyway- and I would absolutely hate to see that for you. You have enough to deal with already without adding more pain into the mix. It is also very expensive, and that takes money away from time that you could spend with your lovely T.

Rather, keep using the healthy coping you have, such as posting here and journaling, or any other things that make you feel safer, connected and cared for. I think Blanket Girl's
suggestions are so good. You might also consider that, if you have desire to kill the pain of dissociation this much, that doing something like start drinking which is incredibly life-destroying because it ahndicaps you even more than dissociation does- then it may be better to take a prescription medication, than to use alcohol in that way. It's just an idea. Lots of people in pain self-medicate with alcohol, and it is not a good road, will worsen your pain and sense of hopelessness.
These are just my two cents. It is absolutely no fun to be addicted to alcohol. There is nothing good about it at all...nothing. Frowner
I hope this is an encouragement and not sounding too harsh or bossy- I'm just trying to encourage you in your sense that it may not be a good time to start drinking.

hugs,

BB
blackbirdblackbirdMember
aw- thanks for the hug, Jones. I'm off alcohol right now, and I hope and pray this time I will stick with it. Fortunately it had not passed into severe alcoholism yet, but I was headed that way. Frowner

Yaku- I hate to be sound so...beating a dead horse or something- but I'm just a teensy bit concerned, in that you sound exactly like I did- I sincerely thought that I would be most likely able to control it. I *knew* positively I would be able to control it and that it wasn't a big deal. But I thought, "ah, better stay away, just in case" Same as you. But, it became a bigger and bigger deal, because the pain got bigger, and I gave in, sensing that it was not a good idea. And the problem is that, of course, one drink makes you feel alright at the start, but soon you need two, then three drinks to feel the same. Before long I ended up in a real bad pickle, and I'm going to be undoing the damage a long time now. Not just my kids damage, but even my own too, cause now I want it all the time.

So I just wanted to share that with you, in hopes that, just in case- it becomes at all temptation, you can think on this.

Love,

BB
blackbirdblackbirdMember
I have told both T and SD, yes, Jones, and both know it is a problem for me. It can become a self-punishing thing as well. I know it will make me feel worse after, but I do it anyway. I have not got the support I needed with this issue, Jones. As you know, my attachment to my T is a "problem" that needs "solved" by him and as quickly as possible- I should not be going to T to get my emotional needs met, but my H, and so on. When I used to feel close to T and cared about by him, then it was much easier to avoid the urge, but as his care dwindled in favour of pushing me towards my H for the attachment needs to be met by, it did escalate, worse and worse, as I could not tolerate the pain without it. Now I feel I'm hanging in limbo- by a thread of grace, actually, in the strictness of the Byzantine fast which I am somehow, miraculously keeping this Lent. aAazed that I am even able to go this long (mostly) without any to drink each day, but fearful of the inevitable fall with no one to catch me. Frowner The worst is, I've started smoking in earnest which I know will kill me in the long run, but for some reason H doesn't care about that one, thinks it funny and a bit charming I suppose. I guess 'cause I can be functional and a smoker, he has said that is his rationale.

Sorry- very pity party this morning, boo-hoo me. So sick of the f-ing tears.

BB
yakusokuyakusokuMember
Thanks ((((BB)))).

Right now, honestly, I'm feeling like alcohol is the least of my concerns and my desire to do anything with it is almost entirely negated by worse urges. Frowner

I'm pretty confident in my ability to not start at all, considering I up until a couple of months ago, I had none at all from 17 onward. And then, I've only had any twice and each time only one drink, and both times with church friends who would have gently reminded me to take care of myself...and fully honest with them, H and T of my desire to just get blasted. But, I do realize that we can never really know, so I appreciate your support also to do the right thing. Truly, I know it is such a struggle and that you would reach out to me in such a way is so touching. (((((((((((BB))))))))))))
jonesjonesMember
Hi Beebs,

I'm very sorry to hear that you haven't been properly supported with this. Though sort of not surprised, too. My feeling is that if this had been properly taken into account your treatment would have followed an easier and more suitable path so far. It can't have been easy to come clean about this and it's frustrating as hell that the help you have received has been inadequate.

So, what will happen for you after Lent ends? Please say if there is any way we can support you with this.

Love you,
Jones
blackbirdblackbirdMember
Jones, I responded awhile back with something that didn't feel that relevant to the discussion, and so I deleted it. I wanted to say that since that last post where you asked if I was getting support with my drinking and other problems- I met with my SD once again (it's been a long while since I talked individually with him for any extended time) and he has set me on the right path again, so I feel at least somewhat in control of letting the feelings spiral out of control and going completely over the top in terms of my coping mechanisms. SO- I just wanted to thank you for offering the support and say that I feel somewhat more supported with my various poor ways of coping than I did with that last post... thanks for the caring- you are a sweetheart. It's continuing support that I need, and I worry about that as SD is leaving soon, and I see T as more helping with relationship stuff.

BB
F freudsflyonthewallMember
I haven't drank in over 8yrs...I use to wish to be able to drink and get drunk without the chaos, but each time I drank there was no telling how it would end...there was a lot of denial going on for me...then eventually the getting drunk and the constant rationalizing with myself got to painful and the issues I was trying to cover up with drink got to painful...I needed help in the early couple of yrs but now appart from my therapy am ok being abstinant...but its taken this many yrs to really tell myself I am happier sober then drinking...its not an easy thing to do..facing the reasons I wanted to cover with with drink...feeling the deep hurt...and not having the escape of alcohol...one has to want that more then they want to drink...and thats a tug of war at times..but its possible and has some wonderful times also..
yakusokuyakusokuMember
Thanks, still really appreciating everyone's feedback. Went to a Mexican restaurant we love out here with H, a friend and our pastor and his wife, and wanted a margarita so badly. A friend with us even said, "Well, if you drink, I'll have one too, so you don't have to do it alone!" I didn't feel like I needed it...just wanted it, but I decided not to. Not worth it. I sensed the tiniest element of wanting to abuse myself and both my inner little one and Boo just deserve better than that.
blackbirdblackbirdMember
quote:
Want to keep going, but just sitting with these feelings for now.


How is it that you suck, Yaku? You are in tough situation in so many ways, you take care of your child, you are caring responsible and trying to work on your issues with the help of a therapist- and you want to do something that you know will be harmful, but instead you are sitting with the feelings. No one can take away the victory of a victory. So just try, celebrate that moment when you were just sitting with it. You so do *not* suck.

Hugs,

BB
yakusokuyakusokuMember
((((BB)))) Thanks. Honestly, I came so close to just keeping going. I ended up **FOOD TRIGGERS** over-desserting myself instead with strawberry shortcake and Phish Food ice cream **END TRIGGERS

But, despite three other opportunities (offers, trips to the fridge for other things), I didn't have another drink, just the one, and made myself drink it so slowly.

I just feel like my desire to annihilate myself, this constant draw to destroy my existence...that is why I suck. I feel like I suck for just doing what is right because I know it's right, even though it's not what I want...like, it's not good enough unless I WANT what is right and my motivations are pure. Then, I also feel like I suck, because I am too cowardly to go through with what feels like it would be better for everyone, which is for me to just give up the idea that there is "better" out there on the other side of this experience somewhere. Ugh. I'm disgusted with myself just writing this right now. Yay, self-loathing, my dear friend! You didn't go away long enough to even give me time to miss you!!!


BB, I so appreciate your support, so please don't take any of my negative stuff as a reflection on what you are saying as it does help a bit, but I am resistant to being better when I feel like I deserve to suffer. And that is all on me and not anything anyone could probably do something about.
blackbirdblackbirdMember
I understand what it is like to feel disgusted with yourslef for not having 1100 percent pure motivations for the things you do that are good and the choices you make that aren't bad. I've struggled with that for a long time, and I know how painful and scary that place is. But- the reality is that when we are in such a place of despair, it is heroic to do *anything* good. Even just sitting with feelings like you want to do something to hurt yourself- is an act of heroism when you feel this bad. You are stepping in and being a hero and saving your inner Kiddo, and I *know* how difficult that is. So just, really, good for you, Yaku. Go on, take just a little credit for yourself- it won't hurt too bad to do that. God wants you to. Really.

BB
professorsnapeprofessorsnapeMember
Yakusoku,

THis thread is old but I will post anyways. If you think you should stop drinking, and you still have great desires to drink then you should follow your gut and stop drinking. Stop before your drinking becomes a habit you can't and won't want to stop.
I stop smoking before I became addicted. Sure I like to smoke and I sometimes miss it, but I started to crave smoking, was smoking more frequently, I would think about smoking and looked forward to smoking breaks. I am glad I stopped before I couldn't.

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