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Yesterday’s session was my first with T1 in 6 weeks. Total this summer we’ve missed 9 weeks of therapy. A few weeks ago, I decided I was tired of depending T1. I’ve been learning more about taking responsibility for my feelings and thoughts and decided that I didn’t want to depend on someone who wasn’t here for me.

I won’t see him until next week because I’m seeing T2 in a few days. I’m relieved I won’t see him for a few days and I can’t tell if it’s because I’m making progress and the attachment is easing up. OR if I’ve regressed and have somehow hardened my heart to him. I’m tired of risking being vulnerable, needy, and dependent. I'm tired of processing memories and longing for him. I tired of longing for him to comfort me when I’m out of session, but frustrated that I have no feelings in session. Oh, the joys of therapy.

I’m thinking I need extended down time because my body is starting to complain with aching muscles, high blood pressure, insomnia, etc. Reading books or watching TV hasn’t helped in months. I’ve been hiking with my neighbor almost every day and that’s been enjoyable. I feel fine when I’m out, but feel like crap the minute I come home.

I’m wondering if taking a break from both Ts would be beneficial? It seems silly to want a break after being miserable from a 6 week break, but I’m desperate for some sort of extended internal relief and not sure where to find it.

Any suggestions?

PF
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Hi PF... a few things come to mind after reading this. One is that it's obvious that you have lost your connection back to your T1. This would only be natural after such a long separation from him. There could have been some repressed anger on your part because he left you for such a long time and then it seemed like he expected you to pick up where you left off by being able to talk to him.

I also wonder if you are beginning to attached to T2 and find that to be a more stable connection for you right now. I would also wonder how I could do therapy with someone who is gone so much of the time.

I'm not sure if you should process these feelings with T1 or T2 but I do think you need to have the freedom to talk about this and have it heard so that you can feel validated in feeling as you do. I almost get the feeling that you believe you should just accept T1's coming and going with little impact on the relationship and this is not so. You have feelings about this and they deserve to be heard.

Sorry T's return did not go as well as you would have hoped.

TN
Hi True North - Thank you so much for reading and replying to my post. As I read your reply, everything you wrote resonated with me. Thanks for putting to words what I could not. I do feel very disconnected with T1 and feel like I shouldn't. I was quite angry with him a few weeks ago, but then it transitioned to being numb. Maybe it just turned into repressed anger.

I am starting to attach to T2. I only have two more sessions with her, but I am thankful for her reliability and stability. I have thought that if T1 leaves for an extended period of time again, I would probably leave him.

Thank you for validating my need and reminding me that my feelings deserved to be heard. I forget that often. Thanks for your input!

Hi Elsewhere - I think less thinking is great advice! Thanks! I tend to over analyze every little detail to a pulp until what I was trying to process becomes unrecognizable! Maybe I'll just stick to the hiking for now. Smiler

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