Classical ACOA Topics

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alcoholic father gets in touch after almost 30 years...help!!!

Hi Longroad. To be honest I am not sure I want him to know how much he hurt me. And im afraid to ask any questions as I dont believe he will answer them. Im also afraid to be honest in case he says something that will upset me or make me angry. I mean im already amgry as it is. I dont even think he could offer me a relationship because really I dont even know him. God its so weird having a father but not knowing anything about him apart from the fact that he was an alcoholic. Life is not fairRead More...

Any others to empathize?

You too Ghost Girl. My mum called me today acting normal but I could hear the alcohol in her voice. She told me her "test results" were good yesterday with regards to the "cancer". Such a shame she just couldn't wait to celebrate… Some things never change, but its not holding me back. You've helped me loads too, given me hope and reassurance, which is all I could've asked forRead More...

doesnt look like many new posts in here so i thought id change all that

thanks to all who have replied i really appreciate it but please forgive me for not replying sooner i have been really busy my wife and i have a small homestead and im trying to go to school full time on top of that well to what you said Amber I find it such a tragedy that she has never processed or dealt with her stuff. While I am 52 and still working at healing, she doesn't even probably see that she needs to heal i didnt see i need to heal till i was 56and then for a month i did nothing...Read More...

Alcholism and Narcissism

Well there's definitely that - so I guess if someone that already had NPD became alcoholic as well it wouldn't really change much except intensifying things like being more volotile and unpredicatble.Read More...

How to be a good for to someone with ACOA?

Hi Alexis, My suggestion would be for you to check out an Al-anon meeting. Anyone who is impacted by someone else's drinking may attend, and it sounds like you're impacted by your friend's parents drinking. Al-anon is for friends and families, and might be the best way you can help your friend!Read More...

Sound Familiar?

Hey LisaM! We haven't "met" so Going back to the initial post. Yes I relate in so many ways! The binge drinking, the walking on eggshells, emotional and physical abuse and this conflict(for me anyway)in viewing my father as on one side mr nice guy - friendly/funny and on the other side possessive/aggressive. Submissive mother - I think I understand why though (although growing up I battled to understand that) and in some strange way I almost see a strength in it today, in that she stayed...Read More...

Am I the only one?

catalyst
Cat - I haven't read any ACOA literature, because my parents both quit (my dad when I was four maybe, and my mom when I was 11?) when I was relatively young, so I don't feel I can relate too deeply...but, as with SG, the codependent literature gives me the exact same reaction. T lent me a book on codependency early on in our therapy and have read another one recommended by a youth pastor when I was very young and they also "messed with my head," in a similar way to what you're describing. I...Read More...

How do you begin to cope?

violethill
Hi Violet, welcome to the boards! I can very much relate - my parents are both active in their addictions, and my mom is bipolar, among other mental and physical issues. I can also relate to what you said about being surrounded by people who are "there for you" yet you still feel alone. Have you been to any al-anon meetings? I have found them really, really helpful. There are meetings ALL over the world, and no matter where I am, whenever I walk into an al-anon meeting, I feel welcome,...Read More...

ACOA using mother for childcare

Thank you so much for replying. It really helps to have some perspective! B2W you do make some great points. I strive to be forgiving and I act like I am but I guess I am just not ready. It feels like I am putting a lid on myself and my fears and my actual concrete experience (I literally have a 12 year old me in my head going 'what the hell are you doing?') and giving my daughter to her in an act of trust that is not genuine. But I am 100% willing to praise her for how far she has come and...Read More...

in general

closeddoors
nah, i don't mind at all, especially since it's the truth. i know that ... i'm just a little intimidated at the time being. i'll come around ... i hope. thanks for your words, i do appreciate it.Read More...

i feel angry after ive been around my mother

((((rara89)))) Welcome to the forums. I am sorry that you had to experience all that growing up, you deserved much better. Your anger is very understandable in response to what happened to you. But because you never had it modeled nor were you allowed to express your anger, you need to learn healthy, non-destructive ways to deal with it. There is a way to work through these emotions, but it will probably take a long time since you experienced these things throughout your childhood. Are you...Read More...

Newbie alert!

diva
I think it's kind of ironic that even though my dad was the one who passed, I long for a female mother figure in my life. Despite the disease, I was a complete and total Daddy's Girl. My mom did give me love and attention, but I just so happened to be closer to my dad. When he died, it was like I lost a huge part of my heart and soul. I tried to connect with my mom, but it's very different than the relationship I had with my dad. Now that my mom is remarried and even though I get along...Read More...

Is this an active forum?

raven
I used to take part in online ACOA meetings. I started off with Alanon but quickly moved onto ACOA. I have learned something from all te groups I have attended. As long as you stay open minded you will be able to learn. If you stay open minded you will be able to take what you like from those meetings and leave the rest. Another thing I would do if I was you, explore what it is about 12 step programs [or the idea of it] that doesnt sit well with me. Lots can be learned from stirred up...Read More...

Am I wrong for cutting him off?

Hello eldestchild I cant tell you what to do other than say "follow your heart [your gut]" You are not a bad daughter/son or mother/father, if you decide to not let your children see their granddad. I had to stay away from my parents too for me and my family's well being. It sounds like you still dont trust him and most of all, you are still hurting form what he did to you. Families who deal with addictions have a thing with denial dont they. The most horrid actions can be forgotten about...Read More...

They did the best they could.

room2grow
UV I’m sorry you had to delete, for what it’s worth I think you have every right to feel angry at your mother. I do get the whole being stuck with anger thing though, I take the view that nearly all self directed anger actually belongs to someone else, though it’s hard to sort through it all to find the ‘right’ object and anyway it’s not as simple as that, there’s anger on anger on anger that arises in response to layers of experiences not necessarily involving the same person. And then...Read More...

Resources for Teens?

yakusoku
I'm up in the San Francisco Bay Area. Yuck, SoCal! Just kidding. There isn't any in his city, but there is one in mine, which is only 15-30 minutes away depending on traffic. So, perhaps next time he comes for a visit, I can ask him if he would be interested in checking it out.Read More...
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